Sometimes We Fall, But We Get Back Up and Live Again

I haven't written in awhile mainly because I haven't had the time to sit down and just write until now. Also, I feel more of a need to write when things have happened in my life where I need to vent or just talk about  no matter the topic. Right now, there has been a lot going on that I feel like I should share. Some good and some bad, so here it is...

Lets start off with saying how much I appreciate and love my family and friends. Since this summer, I have obtained a good, stable foundation of close friends that have been there for me through some of my roughest moments when i needed somebody to lean on. A couple of people in mind, have been there  no matter what state I have been in or how far away they may be. They are right there when i need them the most and I thank them for that. One person in particular, her and I have been through so much in the last couple of years even to the point we lost touch for a few months, but found ourselves right back to where we left off. Things happen for reasons, even if those reasons are never known but in the end it just matters we are back in eachothers lives. She has been there for the fun times, my most drunken moments, and when I thought I couldn't make it through. I made it through just like she kept telling me and I'm happier today because she never gave up on me. She is kind of a hardass, wouldn't give up on me but without her I wouldn't be where I am today and I love you for that so thank you.

This other person has become like a brother to me. It is really weird how things turn out. Him and I both have had the conversation about how funny it is that we really never thought we would end up being friends let alone bestfriends lol. It was a pretty shitty situation how we ended up talking, but I honestly wouldn't change anything. He has been there for me from day one even when we barely knew eachother we both just found it so easy to open up to eachother. I was hesitant to open up because I lost my trust in anybody that I knew, but the only way you get passed it all is by taking the bull by the horns and just letting that fear go. I'm not saying I don't have trust issues anymore because I still do, but I see every day myself getting better and letting my guard down with people. That's what you ahve to do because fear will just hold a person back and I'm continuing to move forward day by day nothing will stop me from doing that.

Anyways, this person has spent countless nights just sitting up talking to me. Yes, most of these have been drunken nights but he always knows the right things to say and now I need to be there for him. This last week has been pretty rough mostly because what he is going through has brought flashbacks of the emotional rollercoaster I was in months ago. I know completely what he is going through right now to the periods of thinking you can't make it through without them to thinking being in a drunken binge will be the only thing that will possibly take the pain away. Well, as much as I thought drinking was a good idea it lasted for a bit helping to numb the pain but in the morning things were never better and to top it pff now you have a hangover. You know what got me through was my family, friends, myself, and time. I can go and tell him everything he told me months ago, but honestly it takes time to get better. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I don't know how many times I heard this, but it didn't mean anything until the day I woke up and knew everything was going to be ok. The day I decided I couldn't cry anymore, the day I told myself I wasn't going to be unhappy anymore, the day I decided to live again.

The advice I can give to him is to occupy your time spending time with your family and friends. To reconnect with old friends you lost touch with, fix the relationships that you may have lost, and to build new friendships. Spend time with your family because your family always knows how to make you smile. I know my family has and always will be a huge support system for me, I love them to the moon and back. Go out and enjoy yourself, but don't resort to drinking as an everyday fun activity because we all know that it isn't the best choice especially at this vulnerable state of mind. As hard as it may think life won't ever get better, it does and will. I promise on our friendship that life will get better and you will find happiness again. If you haven't already find your faith take up reading the bible, going to church, and praying. One huge improvement in my life is my reconnecting with God he is one person I never lost my trust in and with time everything will be better.

I love you guys, without you all I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank you all <3

Cold As Stone

This is Starting To Feel Like Home

I haven't written in I think about a month or so because I have been pretty busy and just focusing on myself lately. Since, the last time I posted I have done a complete 180 in my overall attitude. I am at a completely different place emotionally and just overall in a better state of mind. It honestly is hard to explain what I have been going through the last 5 months. Nobody except myself can completely understand what I have been through emotionally, physically, and mentally these last few months. A few months ago, I would have told everybody that if I could go back and change things that I would, but right now I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I had to go through everything that I had to because it has turned me into a much stronger person and I have learned a lot about myself. I have discovered a lot about myself I needed to fix because how I did things wasn't ok, but I also was introduced to some very good qualities about myself that I never thought I ever had.

Lately, I have been meeting a lot of new people and going out just to socialize. This doesn't mean I'm going out and getting drunk like some people might think, but I have been going out and having a fun time. I'm less stressed and in a lot better mood this last month. I never thought I could ever get back to this point of still caring, but just letting things go because it is for the best. The moment I let go was the moment I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I spent too many months focusing on another person rather than my happiness. I lost sight on what it meant to be happy with who I am and didn't know how to continue without this other person, but I'm slowly getting there. Please don't misinterpret what I mean by what I just said. I let go of the pain and sadness that was consuming my life, but never once have I stopped caring for that person or gave up. I'm just letting go and moving on for now to make things better for my life and to do what I should have done 6 months ago and that is respecting the whole space thing.

I have so much respect for this person and what I was doing wasn't showing any respect at all. It appeared that I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted not that they just needed time. How could I have been so stupid and disrespected the one person I care about the most? Love makes you do stupid things you would never do ever and my feelings got into the way of what was actually the right thing to do. I'm moving on from what I use to be to finally be the person that I am now. I'm moving on from what has happened in the past and just living in the now. I'm moving on so I can be whole again and keep moving forward because that is the only option. I'm done taking steps back. It is finally time to pick myself off, dust myself off and to love the life that I am so blessed with.

I could keep sulking in what has happened and keep telling myself that things should have gone better, but things happen for reasons even though it takes time to finally figure out why. Time is on our side and without what has happened I would have never figured out I needed to change. I'm so thankful for everything and everybody in my life right now. We lose certain people in our lives to make us grow and to be thankful for the people who are in our lives at that moment. Life goes on we get hurt, but we find away to get through the pain. It is time to take the pain that has overcome me the last 6 months and move on from it. I'm ready to move on from my life then to focus and finally live my life that is happening right this minute. Moving forward is the only option. I'm not sure how things will end up or who I'll find happiness with again. All I know is I can finally say I'll be ok and I'll be ok without them.

The Outsider Looking In

A person honestly can not see what is truly going on until they are looking at it from the outside. You never can clearly identify the areas that are not working, that need to be fixed until you are sometimes forced too. I've been blessed (I feel like it was a blessing) to be forced to tear apart the last few years of my life to realize the person that I was becoming and how I was treating the ones I loved. It took me some time, but I have gotten to the point I'm fixing the areas in my life to better myself and just better everything in general.

I have discovered in these last few months that I was controlling in certain areas of my relationship. In my previous relationship, I felt like I was protecting them from certain things but in reality I was controlling them from figuring out life on their own. I didn't see how controlling I was until I was on the outside of the relationship looking in. It was not ok. I was selfish in my ways and that is never ok especially in terms of a relationship. We both loved spending time together, but no time apart is never the right answer. Having no space apart ruined the amount of good times we had because we never had time apart. We never had our alone time, our own time to breath. I got caught up in the relationship and I forgot I had a life outside of it. You identify the things that you did wrong and you fix them and that is what I've been focusing on fixing what I was so stupid to let happen.

It got to the point I started focusing majority of  my time on myself and I neglected the feelings of the other person. Don't take that the wrong way, I never stopped caring about the other persons feelings ever but I was focusing more on what I was struggling with than of the other persons issues. I tried to be there as much as I could, but I just wasn't strong at that point to help when I couldn't handle things I was going through. It is the honest truth that you can't help anybodyelse until you are ok yourself. And a huge part of it was I never felt good enough to be with this person or anybody for that matter.

 I'm on the path of fixing and bettering things for myself, I'm becoming stronger and healthier for myself to one day allow that other person to lean on me for support when needed. It comes with time and the strength is within ourselves, it always has been. It just takes times, faith in god, and self strength to honestly find your true self and until that you do that you can't be 100% happy in a relationship. I'm unrevealing on a daily basis, the things that I did wrong, the hurt I caused, and the controlling side to me in my past to help fix myself to make damn sure it never happens again. It is taking time, but I feel like I'm on the right path to a better me and it feels amazing for the first time.

Right now, I am at a higher level of confidence. My need to control things in my life honestly is out the window. Each day is going to happen like it is suppose to because honestly only God knows the path of your life. Tomorrow is a new day and right now I'm focusing on myself then next step is to show the ones I love that I have changed. Actions speak louder than words as they say. We are just the passengers on this rollercoaster of life. You take one day at a time and everything should fall into place the way it is suppose to. Space and time is a difficult thing, but a few months is nothing when you have a lifetime right?

Your Guardian Angel

Happiness is Within My Grasp

Well, it has been a couple days since I have last posted and so much has happened since the last time we have talked. This weekend was Gay Pride in Minneapolis and this has been my second pride that I had the privilage to experience, but nothing compared to this years Pride. The whole idea about going to Pride this year came from my oldest cousin Jamie who has been with his husband for going on 22 years. One night after some drinking, I came home and chatted online with my cousin because I was just having a rough night. He has always been one person that I know no matter what I am going through he is always there to listen and to give advice where necessary. That night, I just needed my cousin to give me any advice "words of wisdom" he could throw at me. I was full of so many emotions I had no idea how to understand what I was going through or how to help myself. He told me his advice on what to do and how to handle them and throughout our conversation he thought it was a great idea to go visit him during Pride weekend and I was quick to say yes.

This trip was definatly going to be an interesting one because I was road tripping with one of my close friends, my little sister, and one of my exs (who no matter where we were we just never got a long.) I needed a roadtrip to forget about things, to have a great time, and just live my life to the fullest. It was my weekend to say "Fuck it" and just let things happen as they are suppose to with no regrets. It was a weekend that I needed to make myself believe that I am good enough and will always be enough for somebody, someday.

The image I had in my head of what Pride in the cities would be like did not compare to how Pride in the cities turned out to be. My expectations were met and very quickly exceeded during my trip. First night, we ended up going to this Gay block party which had amazing music and great company. It was the first time that it was announced that Gay marriage in New York is now legal :) One step closer to equality and that's how it should be. I honestly can't explain the feeling that overcame my body when I heard one more state legalized gay marriage and it was that much better being around so many people knowing what I was going through. I just hadn't felt that proud and like I fit in for along time until this weekend. I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time.

My cousin wanted us all to have a great Gay pride experience so he took us to a few gay bars aroudn downtown. Saturday, we all ended up going to three bars: The Saloon, Gay 90s, and Epic (my favorite of the weekend.) Epic was having a girls night on Saturday and all I can say is I have never seen so many Lesbians in my life until that night. I honestly did not expect to meet anybody while I was in the cities, but God had a different plan haha. She has to be one of the nicest, prettiest, most amazing girls I have talked to in awhile besides a couple others. Our conversations just came natural and I was just realy enjoying her company. I'll spare you guys some details, but lets just say I got a number and recieved a text the next night :)

The parade was this mornign around 1100 am and I just hadn't been this happy in a few months. My happiness has been honestly holding me back from being me and staying true to myself. I have been allowing others from preventing me from happiness and I'm through with it all. Sometimes you need to be selfish and think about yourself instead of how it will effect others. I'm not saying I was perfect in the past, I'm far from being any where near perfection. It just comes to a point that I am not allowing this to go on any longer.

I was letting others effect me to the point where I was losing truly who I am. I started hating the person who I was even rethinking my sexuality again. Don't take that the wrong way, not meaning I thought I was straight because I'm far from straight. It was more I was caring less and less who I would hook up with because it didn't matter anymore. Pride was an eye opener for me and allowed me to look at why I have been doing and realizing there is something better out there for me and a world that I am good enough. I was around so many people who are hated on a daily basis because of the ones we love, but I never felt hated once this weekend because I am attracted to women. Is it weird that I felt so much closer and more love this weekend around a shit ton of gay strangers then I have felt with some people I have known for years?

My weekend was drama free, stress free, and I never once felt unhappy. I have found myself once again and I never want to lose myself ever again. I never want to feel like I need to rethink who I am or question the ones that I love. It is amazing when you talk to a person a whole night that you just met and right away question your actions that you have done in the last few months. It took one night talking to an amazing girl who I don't know I will ever see again to make me realize I am enough and always will be. This weekend was the last shove in the right direction. I'm done feeling sorry...done trying to figure things out that arent meant to be figured out...done feeling like I'm in the wrong...done just over and done with it all. You can't fully love somebody until you can fully love yourself and I'm finally getting to that point. I have a long road ahead of me, but with time I'll be ok. Time heals all and I am slowly becoming ready to break down my walls again to allow myself to fall. Happiness is within my grasp all I have to do is allow myself to take the risk to go out and grab it. <3

Not Minding What Happens

Alright, so I'm reading this book called "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." I got this book when I was doing my nursing internship in Boise, Idaho. I had a few days alone in Boise before my roommates got there, so I decided that it was best to get a book but never actually sat down to read it until now. I'm not much of a reader, but have found a lot of interest in reading lately just trying something new.

The author of this book name is Eckhart Tolle and through this book he tries to illuminate and uplift a better way of life and a better world through his writing through spiritual guidance. I won't lie, majority of the book I had to read the pages a few times to completely understand what he was trying to get across. It wasn't the easiest read and I found myself skipping pages to get to chapters that I found interesting to me. The book talks a lot about your innerself, your ego and how to cope with certain things that you come  across in your lifetime to avoid the dysfunctional side of life.

I found a section of the book to be very interesting and very helpful for myself. The chapter is called "Not Minding What Happens." It talks about an Indian philospher named J. Krishnamutri who travels and teachs all around the world. The section goes on to talking about a secret he reveals to his audience at one of his lectures about what has helped him get through life and it was 5 of the simplest words that he spoke. "I DON'T MIND WHAT HAPPENS."

Honestly, I did not understand why these words were so powerful and meaningful until I let them soak in. My best time to think is at night when I'm alone, so working an overnight tonight allowed me to have time to just try to comprehend these words. By allowing yourself to not mind what happens throughout your life because we have no control over what will happen allows us to be more align with what happens internally. We are in reality are our worst enemies and nobodyelse. We allow ourselves to believe what happens is either good or bad. It is us who makes ourselves hold on to things instead of letting things be. By not minding what happens we are not considering anything that happens today, tomorrow, or even years from now as good or bad but as just how things are meant to be. LETTING THINGS BE.

Who is to say what is defined as good or bad? Things are meant to happen the way they should and nobody can stop what is meant to be. I've had unhappy moments in my life, but that is becasue I allowed myself to dwell too much on it and I defined those situations as being unhappy. But, in the end something great came out of each situation and it all ended up working out. I've spent too many days being unhappy because i've just allowed myself to be unhappy when I should have just let thigns be and moved on. It is weird how much you learn through a few pages of reading :) My new thing i'm going to live by...NOT MINDING WHAT HAPPENS and I already can tell a change in my mood. I'm learning one day at a time and this is beginning to feel right.

Inspiration in My Sky

In my 26 years of life, I have learned so much from people that have entered my life. Not all experiences are good, but you learn from both good and bad. You continually grow and learn from the people and the experiences that you encounter throughout your life. The people you meet during your life have so much impact on your life, well mine anyways. I just never would have thought the ones who have the greatest impact on my life have been so much younger than I. But age doesn't really matter to be completely honest. One person who has taught me so much thus far in her 5 years of life has been my niece Cara.

Cara is my 5 year old niece who has been through more in her 5 years of life than a lot of people. She is one of the smartest, most determined, funniest little girls I have the pleasure of having in my life. She was born 5 weeks early, but none of us cared how early she was we were just really excited to finally have her here. Nobody worried about any complications, she was a healthy 5 pound and something baby girl. It was when they did her hearing test that changed all of our lives with the information we obtained from the doctor. The doctor stated "she failed her hearing test." The doctor told us there could be a few reasons for this that we shouldn't be worked up about the results just yet. Cara could have failed her test because she might have had fluid built up in her ear not allowing her to hear, but could clear up in a few days so the doctor advised we wait for a few days just to make sure. The next few days were pretty much a waiting game for my family.

I went to visit Cara in the NICU beause she was so early she had to be in the intensive care unit and only two visitors were allowed in there at a time. It was right away when I noticed that she was different than the other babies in the NICU. While the other babies cried and could be calmed down by the voice of their parents, Cara was so silent not being stardled by any noise that swept through the NICU. She looked so peaceful and that for some reason scared me.

 I remember being woken up by my mom in the morning and my mom telling me they did another hearing test and that Cara was deaf. She cried and I started crying shortly after hearing the news. My initial thought about her being deaf was she wouldn't beable to do certain things a hearing child will beable to do. That the three words I was wanting to hear someday would possibly never be said "I Love You." I felt sorry for her and was scared for what she would have  face throughout her life. I was sad for my sister because this wasn't how her first pregnancy was suppose to go. I just was overwhelmed with emotions, but I knew that Cara was a strong little one that she could and would overcome every obstacle in her life and this was just one she had to tackle.

It was age the age of 9 months, if i have the timing right when she recieved her first cochlear implant. Nobody in my family had ever heard of a cochlear implant, but I remember the first time I saw a youtube video of this 6 year old girl that recieved these when she was around 9 months old. I just remember watching this video and my eyes began to water because I saw so much hope for my nieces future. At the age of 5, she has been put through 4 surgeries so far but hears at the same decibils as a person that was born hearing. :) You can tell little by her speech that she has difficulty hearing and with certain words, but she is our miracle baby.

She is about to have another surgery to fix a broken implant come this August which I wish she wouldn't have to be put through, but she is such a strong person that she will be ok. Cara has inspired so many people she has been incontact with and I just know she will be an inspiration too many more people through out her life. I've been nothing but proud of Cara since she has been born. She makes me want to be a better person and inspires me to do certain things in my life I thought I could never do. With this next surgery, I honestly feel less worried like I have with the last ones because I know it is all in Gods hands and that is how I know she will be safe. She is my miracle angel...she is the inspiration in my sky. I love you Cara Marie so very much <3

It Just Doesn't Compare

This is a continuation from my last posting just figured i should make it into two posts. There is so much just going on in my head and I wish I could find answers to all my questions, but sometimes things are meant to be left unanswered. I have this amazing girl that I have gotten to know recently that makes me happy everytime I see or talk to her, but things just don't compare. Everybody has told me that I just need to give it a shot and maybe it will help me get over my ex, but I can't just hope that it might work becasue it isn't just me that I would be affecting by trialing and erroring it. I'm not this huge asshole who would do this maybe if I was completely over my ex than I would, but I'm just not at that point yet.

I need to be single for myself and relearn how to let my walls down because I'm very guarded with this girl and I shouldn't be so shutoff but i cant help it. It just seems like it is what is best for me right now and considering I am thinking about moving soon too that starting anything with somebody new just wouldn't be far for any of us. I have a lot to think about in the next few days because I'm really confused on what I want to do and what will be best for me. I don't want to run from my problems here because that is just not me and running has never been the best decision.

Lastnight was rough on me as well as on my ex and I just wish things weren't like how they are right now between us two. A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying "I feel like you manipulated me and I just can't feel like that." Manipulation is such a strong word and I absolutely hate this word. I don't want her to feel like this at all because it hurts to think that she thinks this way about me. I feel bad because she thinks this and is hurting because of it and I'm hurting because she thinks this and it is not the case. I know I have hurt her and it tears me up in side that I have hurt her because she is the last person I ever want to hurt. That all was in the past and now is right now and I'm such a better person because I have had time to look back on our relationship. I can't change the past all i can do is focus on a better future and make sure I never hurt her like I have before. I promise I will never hurt her again.

Yesterday, I woke up and had a text message stating "my exes mom was in an accident and was in the hosptial." I was right away worried about her mom and about her so I texted her letting her know I am there for her and her family because I will always be there for them. I just expected one back just letting me know that she was ok, but I got no response. I was hurt and just felt like I was non existent to her life now. If I didn't text her I would have felt like a huge ass and a non caring person and that just isn't the type of person I especially when it comes to her. Well, I ended up texting her again and I finally got a response and it said something about me snapping at her and that her mom was fine. That was all i wanted was a small text stating that she was fine and I would have been relieved to know she was doing well. It is simple things like this that get blown up when it should be so easy, but we both are too blame for it all.

After awhile I decided to text her a bunch of stuff that I was feeling inside which seems like a lot because its texts, but would be so much easier if we could talk face to face. She has asked for space since day one and I give her space, but then I am quick to ruin it by texting her and I'm upset with myself because I know I just continue to hurt her because I am not giving what she needs. I consider myself a decently strong person, but when it comes to her I'm weak and I've always been like that with her. When i mean weak I mean I just have no control thus is why the whole space issue is hard. Im just in love still and I know she is still in love with me making this space so hard for me. But i want it to finally be easy so we can move passed this out of eachothers lives thing and to move forward and finally be happy and be in eachothers lives again.

For us to do this we both need to get past the bad things that happened during our relationship. She needs time to heal and I need to give her this space so she can do that. But i want her to stop thinking I'm manipulative because this is not who i am.  I want her to see the real person I am and stop thinking negatively about why I do the things I do because it is all because I miss her and love her so much. Everythign I do comes from my heart, everything I say is the truth about how i'm feeling. We texted a bit this morning and it made me happy because it was a decent conversation and I miss our conversations. One thing i miss the most about her is how she is pretty much the only person who can out do me in humor lol...it takes a lot to make me continue to laugh but with her she always could make me laugh. It is one of her best qualities that i love about her. Things just don't compare when it comes to her and anybodyelse especially girls. She is one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of having in my life and I just want that person back in my life again. I know with time things will work themselves out and if things are meant to be we will find our way back to eachother. I just need to continue to have faith and pray that everhting with her and I will eventually be back like how they use to be, but this time better.

Waiting for Forever

Dusk and Summer

It has been awhile since I have lasted posted just been going through a lot this last month and I needed time to figure it all out. I've been keeping pretty busy especially since summer is finally here and spending time with friends and family has really helped a lot. Well anyways, we shall start from the beginning and then we will go from there.

I have finally met somebody who has helped me in more ways than one to help get my life back on track. We met awhile ago through my sister because she use to hangout with that crowd a lot back then and we would say hi when we saw eachother but really never got the chance to get to really know eachother. She came into my life just at the right time because I was moving forward, but I seemed to just take a few steps back until her and I started randomly talking a few months ago on facebook. My life was slowly crashing right infront of me and at the same time she was going through almost the same situation. I just got out of a relationship and she was seperated from her husband which was no suprise because she has always dated girls just one of those things "you fall for the person not the gender" kind of thing. It happens and both of our previous relationships has been a prime example that people do fall for the person and not their gender.

It is weird to say but all of this felt like deja vu because her and I started talking on facebook then we exchanged numbers been talking everyday since then and music has been a huge common interest with us. Our love for music is what really started us going from just talking on facebook to randomly texting random bands throughout the day no matter the time. She listens to me when I had a shitty day and she tries to say anything to make me feel better and it usually helps. Our talks never get dull and I just keep learning more and more things about this girl that just keeps me wanting her more. When we hangout it is nothing but amazing and drama never near when we hangout. She is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders because she has been through so much thus far in her life. Her random texts automaticallly puts a smile on my face and I miss this feeling. I miss the feeling that I always use to get when my ex use to just text me randomness that would make me tingle inside because she always sent the best texts. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a dilema.

Nothing can ever come easy, but this is just life. Her life is very chaotic right now because she is not divorced yet and she has a kid. It is way too much for me to handle especially when I'm not completely ok with the stuff going on in my life yet. This all just freaks me out and I'm at a lose on what I want, what i need, and what is best for me. I never can just think about what is best for me ever though because I always worry about the other person and it is just not us a kid is involved now too which makes it even harder. Also, i just am so affraid to let my walls down with anybody again especially right now. It has only been 4 months and I'm not fully healed yet. I need to be single right now to focus on myself to continue bettering myself without having to worry about anybodyelse right now. And I'm not fully over my ex either which makes me so much more confused with things.

Memories Never Fade

Have you ever wished that memories would just fade? That one day you would wake up and some memories would just up and vanish? With hopes that they would someday disappear just so you could have some reassurance of a happier life. I'm stuck in this life of amazing, unforgettable memories that I want to hold on to forever but at the same time, I wish it all would just erase from my mind. I have so many emotions weighing me down that I am losing myself. I'm losing who I once was and the person who I am now.

I could sit here and lie to everybody just to appear to be ok, but what is the good in that? I'm reminded everyday...every hour...every second of everyday of the hurt that has overcome my life. The memories are what is killing me and taking over my everything. It is the remeberance of what I had...what made me happy...what made me want to live again that is now destroying me. It is taking over my life, but I can't seem to let it all go. I'm stuck between want I want, what I need, what will make me happy, and what will make me whole again.

Nobody understands what it feels like to live a life that is so empty inside. Everything is a vivid memory of what life was when I was happy and it is hard to let that go because it was the first time in my life I felt alive. It was the first time in my life that all my insecurities that I had in my life just got thrown out the window. I finally felt good enough...finally felt wanted...finally felt loved...I finally felt like I could breath again. Right now, as I sit here those moments are nothing but a memory.

These memories are what should be easing the pain, but the pain stays close to my side. Certain songs bring tears to my eyes because they remind me of the moments that once brought a smile to my face. Certain foods should ease my hungry, but yet the memories make me sick to my stomach. Certain places I use to love to go to have fun now just brings too much remembrance of misery to my mind that fun is such a foreign word to me now. It's these memories that once pulled me from a bad place to finally living again that are now  haunting my every move.  These are what is destroying my heart please take them away so I can never remember what I once had that once made me want to live again.

These Memories never fade they are way too clear to me. If I had one wish I wish they would up and leave me just like you have. Just like you promised me you would never do.

The WHYs of Life

Today, I heard some devastating news from one of my friends. He told me that a kid from Brandon ended his life by jumping off of the elementary school building. So many emotions cameover me when I heard this news. I have a few friends that not too long ago graduated from Brandon and my first thoughts automatically went to worrying about if these friends knew him. One person specifically came to my mind right away and I just had to make sure she was doing ok if she heard the news. I have never heard of this kid before, but I felt saddened for his family, his friends, and other families who have ever lost a family memeber from suicide.

I have never understood how a person could experience so much pain wanting to resort to ending their lives. Life is a precious thing. You hear about a newborn living only a few hours after being born, but then you hear a person living a long life of 110 years and you just try to find answers to why. Everything comes down to the three letter word WHY, but that small word is the question to so many situations. Why does some people die from cancer? Why do certain children have to suffer because other kids  decide it is funny to bully another? Why do people feel like their is a certain image that everybody has to pertray just to please outsiders? I mean what is the world coming to where everybody worries so much on other people that their happiness depends not on themselves, but on what others think of them.

We live in a world full of so much hate I am just disgusted. People are so trapped in so much pain and suffering that no matter if they are surrounded by so much love they neglect to see it all. It is like the love and happiness is blurred from their vision because they are so tormented by the struggles deep down within themselves. Sometimes the pain is so excruciating that you or I or any type of medication can not even help heal a person. Being in the profession that I am, I have changed my perception on the use of medications. I have found that medications just masks symptoms, but it deep down doesn't fix what is broken. One main type of medications I'm talking about is ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

I use to have mixed emotions on the use of antidepressants because I have seen the good that has come from these types of meds, but I have also seen the bad. Our world is totally for the use of medications, but in reality the side effects of some medications aren't worth the reason for why you are taking it in the first place. I have family and friends on Antidepressants and I also have had friends lose a loved one because of being on one. There are more better ways to cope with problems instead of being put on a medication because it is just covering up the true problem.

I can not tell you why people do the things they do. I can not say why this young boy who had a full life ahead of him decided to take his own life because only that person knows. Everybody who has or is thinking of suicide has asked for help or has hinted at it once or a few times. It isn't always straight forward "I need Help," they do it in so many different ways. I am  a prime example of a person who has asked for help and has struggled through life, but the only answer I found was I could only help myself nobodyelse. I'll being writing another blog so I can go more into depth about myself. It will be very personal and it is meant to all be out on the table, but for I'll just wrap up this blog for now.

My prayers go out to the family and friends of Kendall who recently passed away. My thoughts and prayers are also with the familes and friends who have ever had a loved one feel like they had no way out, but to end their lives. They are all in heaven right now hanging out with Jesus and they are in a better place right now. They all will be missed and loved until they are one day reunited back with their loved ones. You all will never be forgotten

Don't You Remember

This song definatly represents what I've been going through the last few months and how I still feel. I still remember everything from her laughs to her love for music. I just want her to remember me once more because she is the first thing I think about when I wake up and she is the last thing I think about before I sleep. I love you more than you know

Letting Go...to Live Again

Wow, lets just say I have been through hell and back these last few months. My heart has been taken out of my chest and completely ripped apart. I swore I would never let anybody get that close to me again to ever break my heart, but no matter what you say or do you just can't prevent yourself from falling in love. It took me until today to honestly see a different side to things. I spent days and nights crying because I just didn't know what happened. I was left with so many thoughts running in my head and so many unanswered questions about why? What happened? I was left to fill in the gaps myself which just made it even harder for me to get over things..more difficult to realize how things were and just to move on.

Whoever said just ignoring the problem and just compeltely stop talking was seriously wrong. Ignoring a problem is never the best way to get over things let alone stop completely talking to the person you supposively have problems with. I just got out of a relationship about 3 months ago and until today I just couldn't understand the whys about it all. I was left with so many questions unanswered because she decided to just completely cut all contact off with me. All I wanted was some answers so I could move on and live my life again. Instead, I spents days blaming myself for all that went wrong and why things were the way they are now because of me. I always tend to blame myself when things end up bad because I just would rather blame myself than the other person. Until today, I would only blame myself for my latest relationship ending because I just felt like I was the one left so I must be the reason why it all didn't work out.

I have tried my hardest to fix what was broken. I spent hours writing a letter explaining my changes and just everything that has been circling in my head the last few months. For some reason, I felt like I needed to write this letter to make her see everything I have been trying to figure out and to help her realize things will be ok. I've decided not to give her this letter because I shouldn't have to explain my love for her and convince her that loving me is ok because I never once had to rethink my love for her. My love for her has never been the issue, but for her it has. Help her understand that Love will and always will be the answer and will help people get through anything no matter the problems they are faced with. I have done everything in my heart to convince her that I'm sorry and that what we have is the real deal, but today something just cameover me. I haven't had this much relief for a few months and I feel free finally.

I'm done blaming myself for everything that went wrong and why things are the way they are right now. I won't ever blame myself for a relationship ending because it takes two people to make or break a relationship. I never will regret falling in love with her because I still am and will always have love for her because I never fell so deeply in love with somebody until her. I have had a few other relationships where we werent together long enough for me to fall for the other person and those other girls I never saw myself with longer than a few months. My latest ex was totally different though and no matter how hard I tried to prevent myself for falling for her, love was always stronger than I could ever fight against. I use to blame myself for her falling for me that if I just suppressed my feelings that they would just eventually go away and her and I would have never started dating. The thing is, is that I don't blame myself anymore for her falling for me because I did nothing to make her fall in love with me, she did it herself. I never forced her or pushed her into loving me because love can not be forced into somebody, it just happens. And now it is time for her to realize that loving me is ok no matter if I am a girl because gender has nothing to do with it, you fall for the person not their gender. Loving her was the easiest thing for me, but in the end that never mattered.

I won't continue to blame myself for us falling in love because I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I would go through all of this pain and suffering just cause the good memories I had with her will always out weight the bad. I still smile and sometimes laugh when something reminds me of her or reminds me of the stupid things we use to do. I passed a fountain the other day while driving and I just started laughing because her and I would always joke about putting bubbles in a fountain, but we found out it was a felony so we decided against doing that lol. It is the things like that just reminds me that no matter what has happened that we had those good times together and those are the memories I will continue to rememeber when I think about her. I know the person she is and who i have grown to love and I will never think negatively of her or talk negatively about her ever. I have no reason to just cause we are not together doesn't mean I hate her or a need to think badly of her. It just means that what her and I had was good for that time and it just isn't our time yet. And who knows what the future will bring, but right now i'm going to focus on myself and living again.

I need to start living my life again and doing that without having the worry of somebodyelse. I've changed so much about myself recently and I only know with time that there are more great things to come for me. I am letting go of a huge part of my life to focus on being happy again and I know it wont be easy, but it has to be better than what I have been going through the last few months. I have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. Without any of them I would be in a huge hole probably not trying to dig myself out of and just probably still at the point where I was 3 months ago. It took me 3 months to let go and move on. The sadness, the emptiness, the hurt will all still be here for awhile until I find something better to take its place, but i'm not worried. I'm not worried that I'll find the happiness again that I had with her and who knows like I said what the future may bring. Time is what helps a person heal and that is all I need is time. Time for myself to grow and learn to live again. It is finally time to Let go to live again.

What If...?

God Grant Me The Serenity to Accept The Things That I Can Not Change

In the last few months I have gone through a lot of stress. I had problems with my drinking, work, family, and my relationship. Lets just face it, I've gone through a crazy rollercoaster of emotions since before college. One of my friends who has helped me out and been there for me the last couple of months introduced me to this prayer, The Serenity Prayer. It was what I honestly needed at that point in time, it is what I need and live by every single day of my life since then. This friend even though outside conflicts should or could prevent her from hanging out with me let alone talking to me, she still finds the time to be there for me no matter what I'm going through. It is the small things people do that people respect more than something huge and her introducing me to this prayer has meant more to me and has helped me more than anybody will ever know.

This friend told me when she says this prayer she only recites the first 3 lines of the prayer and that's what I started to do a few months ago. It was the point in my life where I was at my lowest point and I just felt like I was alone. I felt like I had nobody even though I had everybody that I needed to help me get past my struggles that I was going through.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change,

The courage to change the things that I can. The Wisdom to know the difference."

 But it was this prayer that had the most affect on me, it was what taught me the meaning of life. It taught me everything that i needed to change the person that I was and understand that I could change. I've lived my life not believing that no matter how hard a person works that things will always stay the same. That a person can never change the person that they are or the things in that person's life. But, what I have learned and come to the realization is that I just didn't understand the difference between the things that I can change compared to the things that I have no control over. I focused more of my time on just not accepting that no matter how bad you want something to change that not everything you want can be fixed. People can not go through life trying to change things that just can't and wont ever change. We all need to focus on the stuff we can change because that is when we start growing and actually living our lives the way we all should.

 I still am struggling with figuring out the issues in my life that I can fix compared to the ones that I'm just wasting my time hoping and praying that those will eventually change. It is a daily struggle for me and I know I have so much more to learn, but I know life will never be a walk in the park. I've accepted the recent changes that I have changed about my life and I'm proud thus far of my accomplishments. I never would have thought a few months ago that I would be sitting here today blogging about my life let alone blogging about a prayer that has changed my life, but I am. I never would have thought that I would be interested in reading the bible and getting to know God, but I am. I know I have a lot of changes ahead of me, but i'm not scared anymore on what is to come. I'm ready to take a leap of faith and just run with whatever is brought to me. I've gotten this far and right now I am learning to just focus on the stuff I can change within my life and trying to focus less on the things that I can not change. That is how i'm going to live my life now because I want to love life again and with time I truly believe I will love life fully again.

The Last Something That Meant Anything

"The Last Something That Meant Anything"

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?)
Knows all these

And I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We'd hope would mean the most to me
And each line is sent
I have found a new pages of hope for the days
when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?)
Knows all these lines (cause my jealous heart really can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for everyone that's come out lost

But, I'll be OK (Is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken
But I'll be OK (is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say?
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[repeats]

[singing]
I'll be OK, is that what you want me to say?
Cause it's broken
And you were just about to tell me
How you meant that you were sorry
And the lines we've said that
Never meant the world to you
Broke me down
lets keep it slow
Take every note and every page that takes you longer
The cherry flavored kisses
Well I taste them
Do you miss it?

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say?
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[x2]

Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do

God Hear My Prayer

It is 2:48 in the morning and I catch my mind wondering in so many directions. My mind is just cluttered, fogged up with so many worries, emotions and thoughts from the last few days...no the last couple of months. When did life get so complicated? When did life stop being fun? I wish that I could just go back to when I was in elementary school and all the worries I had were learning to multiply and memorizing the capitals to all 50 states. Those days are far from over and when I think I closer to being worry free...Life takes another drastic turn and puts me back at square one.

It is just weird how one day you go from believing you are a changed person to quickly changing your thinking after hearing certain words from a person you hold close to your heart. I've been called manipulative, crazy, said I was hated, and told that i deserve to be treated the exact same way how I treated this person. Then I was told by the same person that I was amazing, was still in love with, and made this person so happy before. I look at everything that this person has labeled me as through the last couple of months and I'm now being treated the way I treated this person while we were together. The shoe is on the other foot as they say and it hurts like hell.

I guess, i'm at the point where I believe I deserve everything that is thrown at me right now. I'm feeling the hurt, the sadness, the emptiness, and the pain that this person felt when we were together. I have had a lot of thinking and focused on the person who I was while in this relationship and I honestly hate the person THAT I USE TO BE. Key words "USE TO BE"...not the person I am today. I dont want to continue to be reminded of the person I use to be especially from this person. Actions speak louder than words and as much as I want this person to realize that I am a better person now and forever...They never will understand or believe any of this is the truth. In my heart I know I have changed and that is all that matters. It feels amazing to hear from your close friends that they can see I have grown and I have done so much changing in just a short time. I would rather focus on the person I am today because this is the person that is staying...this is the person that will continue to change for the better. But in the end, the person I care the most to see the change and realize I have done a lot of changing has no desire to see it. The thing that hurts the most is that she will continue to have this image of me being the shitty person that I use to be instead of seeing the person I am proud of right at this moment. That's where all the hurt lies.

Dear God,

Hear my prayer. Please wash away all the sin from my body. Let all the negative thoughts wash out of my head and be put to rest. Allow me to continue to better myself in every area of my life. Make me to be a better daughter, aunt, grandaughter, sister, friend, and child of God. Help me focus on the things I can change and less on the things I have no control over. Help me to fully heal from all this misery that has taken over my thoughts and life. Also, please help me love again God. If it isn't with her than help me find that person who will love me for the person that I have grown to be not the person that I once was. Please God also help her find her way and to help her find happiness in all that she does. She deserves to be completely happy...I would rather give her up if that is what it will take to have her find complete happiness. Please help me with all of this God....Help me to heal and to be strong for once. I love you God...I'm confessessing all I need help with Please God Hear My Prayers.

Amen

Change Is For The Better

There ain't nothing wrong with change

I'm going to find a way

I'm going to change it all

I'm going to fix what is broken

I just don't know what it is

I just can't find the words to explain

I'm left speechless

Mind cluttered with emotions

Heart chewed up and spit out

Even if I start to fall

Would you be there to catch me

When my world comes crashing down

Would you be there to rebuild it

These are some of my unanswered questions

I see you struggling with life

It is normal and it ain't easy

Nobody said this was a walk in the park

I'll be your saving grace

Your angel in disguise

When you feel like your falling short

Like you can't see the light

When you feel all alone

Look to me for support

I'll take the all the punches

I said I would protect you

I'll never ever leave you

It is time for your change

For you to see what is real

What will save you

Will you let it be me

I'm going to change it all
I'm going to give you the world
Just like I promised

Pieces Of Me

This week has been nothing more than mixed emotions. I just feel like I am no more than a puzzle that is trying to find every single missing piece to form a complete picture...identity. It seems like I go from one day being completely worry free to the next being smoothered in nothing but misery. I try to focus more on the positives than any negatives in my life, but that seems easier said than done. It is harder to try to forget or pretend that one is ok when in reality one is falling shy to complete happiness.

On Tuesday, my nephew was finally born at 3:46 pm (Declyn Scott McGary) I was downtown with my mom shopping for gifts for the girls when we got a phone call from my brother in law that my sister just delivered a 8 pound 4 ounce baby boy. Right away my whole body just instantly went into excitement mode. I was happy for my sister, Travis, the girls, my family, and for me. The birth of my new nephew is what I needed to help boost my overall outlook on life. The birth of Declyn felt like the rebirth of my life because I felt at the moment that he was born my life had instantly changed. I told myself by time he was born I would be somewhat a changed person from how I was and I done just waht I promised. I felt a few months ago like a jumbled up puzzle that just needed to figure out what pieces went where. And I feel like I have found majority of the pieces and have put them together piece by piece, but yet there are a few pieces hiding.

All I could remember the day Declyn was born was the overall Joy I experienced when he was born, but yet at the same time I was experiencing some sadness. The one person I wanted to share the joy of the birth of my new nephew I just couldn't contact. I wanted to tell the world how happy I was that my nephew was finally here and healthy, but yet I had the chance the tell the world but I didnt need the world I just needed to tell her. I texted all my close friends that day and sent pictures, but yet I couldn't be completely happy that day because I couldn't send her anything. It wasn't the fact I couldn't because I was unable to, it was the fact that I didn't know if she really cared about getting a message saying he was finally born or not. It all had to do with I didn't know if she honestly cared, but deep down I know she cares because I know her. I know her like she knows me and no matter the time apart and the changes we go through we will still know the real us.

When it comes down to it, life is pretty much like a puzzle. Your life is full of different pieces and they only can come together a certain way. There are the outter pieces that are like the frame work to a person and it provides as support.The inside pieces are what makes each person unique...it defines who we are as a person. Those pieces you have to search for and work your ass off sometimes it takes quite awhile to find those missing pieces. A person isn't and won't ever be fully happy without each piece put in their correct spot within their puzzle. That is what I'm at a halt with my life right now because I'm at my ultimate level of happiness right now, but I'm missing a huge piece to my puzzle and I know the exact piece I need to find. I am just waiting on the time when my life's puzzle will be whole again. Only time will tell....Time is everything.

So Much I Never Said

Everybody has their insecurities doesn't matter who the person is or if they deny it. A person will always deep down have some insecurity about themselves it could be something as their weight or even they may dislike their hair style. No matter what, the person will always  see it as a flaw making them less of a person than the person next to them. I don't know why people are placed on this earth with thinking they don't stand up to the next girl or guy, but we all have thought this once or twice in our lives or at least i know I have.

I constantly compare myself to people and I have always been a jealous person. Lets all just face it, I'm no typical girl who compares my weight to other girls or think that I wish I had bigger boobs like that girl. I'm speaking more about being that right mold, design, artwork for a girl to be with. My insecurities have arised probably since middle school or a bit later. It all started when I started having feelings for girls. I can't honestly tell anybody when I noticed myself being a tad different than the other girls in regards to who I found attractive. I just remember telling myself that I could never be better than any guy for a girl. The first time I thought that it just stuck and has continued on and on through my life thus far.

It is so bad that it even has effected my relationships that I have had. My jealous definatly increased because I was always worried that I would be left for a guy. I've been cheated on by majority of the girls I have dated and that hurts like hell. It's like a tape keeps repeating in my head saying "Janel you just aren't good enough." I worry about if the girl I am dating will leave me like they all have because they want something better than what I can give them. I can't give them a normal life, but I try my hardest to make them happy and make it as a normal life as I can. I can't give them a family like a straight couple can, but I've always wanted a family. I can't have their parents love me because all I can is be myself and love their daughter like they have always wanted somebody to do. I can't promise that a relationship won't be easy because they never are, but I can promise to make whoever I am with nothing but happiness. I can only give them what I can offer, but when it comes down to it I always fall short of perfect. All I want is one day be enough and more than enough than any guy.

After the very first time I told myself I just wont ever be good enough it turned into a mind game. My head would play tricks on myself. It turned into not being good enough to get good grades, to finish nursing school, and to even be a nurse. No matter how much I kept proving myself wrong, I just continued to believe that I'm not good enough for anything or anybody. I just want to prove myself wrong just one time and actually believe it. Well, I have believed it a few times but in all honestly my believing in myself started when I met one of my close friends. Yes, even considering all that has happened and even if she doesn't agree I still consider her one of my bestfriends. That won't ever change for me.

She reminded me that I was good enough to do anything I wanted to do. The way she pushed me and motivated me was what I needed to get back on track. I was at culvers way longer than what I was because I was affraid of applying for any nursing job, but she made me believe that I was smart enough and determined enough to go out and be a nurse. I eventually applied and now I'm working as a nurse. Not exactly where I wanted a job, but it is a nursing job and I am so blessed to have a job. I thank her for pushing me, for challenging me, and for making me see that I am good enough. I just hope one day she sees how much she saved me. There is SO MUCH I NEVER SAID so here it is out in plain view for all to see the real me.

He IS WE "And Run"

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

Kinda wish I had the courage,
A bit of bravery.
So tired of waiting on a man to come and save me.
Wishing I had everything,
Or something really.
Hard to admit it,
But now I’m thinking freely.
I’m going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I’m making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.
And run.
Filling my head with words to encourage me,
Gotta get my act so straight so I can truly believe.
That what I’m waiting for, is really worth the wait.
Stop bringing myself down,
I gotta know what makes me great.
I’m going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I’m making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.
I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting, on someone else.
I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting on someone else,
I can fix it by myself.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I’m finally taking a stand,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I’ve learned from all my mistakes.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I’m making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Gotta grow up, be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

---

Yes, Even Stars Break

The days grow longer

The nights seem endless now

It just seems like the world has stopped

Like it has stopped spinning on its axis

Like we all are on a sudden pause

Time has totally froze

I feel stuck in this moment of dispair

Disbelief that anybody can save me now

Sleepless nights, anybody there

Please answer me

Save me from me

I'm my own destruction

Tell me everything will be ok

Let me know you will rebuild my walls

Save me from myself

Save me from your world

I am troubled in my own misery

Tears are like blood from my wrists

Wake me up

Awaken me from this dream

Can you hear the screams

Do you see the last hope

The stranded being

Float out to the vast sea

Let the waves wash over me

And take me away

From this pain and misery

Give me alittle courage

Maybe a bit of bravery

Turn this rain into sunshine

Make me into your artwork

Mold me into what you want me to be

Please just save me from me

Draw a Map, Find a Path. Take a Breath and Run

Lately, my mind has wondered in so many different directions it is sometimes hard to know what is reality and what isn't. Most of my days lately have been really good, but I  have my not so good days like everybodyelse. Those are the days I find myself listening to endless amounts of music and it seems like every song just relates to my life lately. Just recently, I finally got my guitar restrung and I am back to playing music again. It is such a huge relief lifted off of my shoulders. I just soak into all the amazing amounts of music out there its the best feeling in the world. But some days I wish I could just shut off my brain for awhile and just not worry about things anymore.

My life lately seems like it is on the right track, but then slowly i drift back off course. Thats life, right?? It has been like that my whole life it seems, I dont remember when I was on the right path and I stayed there. But honestly who knows which path is the right one? Who is to say that God didnt draw this map for me? To be completely honest I still feel lost, but only God and I know what the next move I should take. I'm only human and I will probably take a few wrong turns, but I will eventually find my way.

I have made some bad decisions in my life, trust me I'm no angel. People think that I am this innocent human being, but I'm definatly not that. I define myself and nobodyelse. There are a bunch of things I have done in my life that I fully regret and I never have regrets. I have always wanted to live my life regret free, but the last few months I have changed that about  myself. I do have regrets and that is fine, but I can't change the thigns I have done in the past. The present and the future is where it lies. So, yes I do regret many things in my life and I want to share some of the more important things that I regret in the last 26th years of my life because I want to get them out for the world to see them. It is like my own little therapy session hahah.

The biggest regret is pushing God out of my life for so very long. At a young age, I would always go to church with my family, but never found interest in church because at that age I didn't fully understand the whole God, religion, and going to church thing. The older I got the further and further I pushed God away from me and I completely stopped going to church because it was my decision to go or not. I decided it just wasn't worth going or having a relationship with God for that matter. Like I said earlier, I steered off course a few times and now i'm finally back on the path accepting my faith and God into my life. I have learned that I can't get through anything that life throws at me without the help from God to help me through the obstacles of life. He is there for me to lean on to grab his hand if I ever feel lost or just needing guidance. It is the best feeling in the world to know I'm not alone and never will be even when I am no longer on this earth, but in heaven. In a later blog I will explain the why I lost my faith and how I have regained it because that will take a very long explanation and seems like a very good discussion that should have its own postiing :)

Another one of my regrets is not being able to handle my drinking and listening to the ones that love me the most that I needed to change. I have had my many drunken nights where I have said, done, and just hurt the ones I love the most while under the influence of alcohol. I am a totally different person, it's like I dont even recognize myself when I'm drunk. Drinking for me was a way to escape who I was, the emotional pain, stresses and alcohol just helped me not feel for a night. It was a get away for me..just a short trip and then in the morning I'm back to reality once again. I've had a few of my closest friends and even a girl that I loved try to tell me to stop drinking, but I would stop for a short period then drink again and I would go back to my same old drinking retardedness. It was until the last few months that I realized I couldnt change for them because it was the being told I needed to do this and it was never I wanted to do it for me and just for myself. It took me going through a bunch of emotional stress and having a lot of alone time to just focus on what I wanted and what I needed. I did stop drinking for a short time because I wanted to stop finally for myself to help better me and in that short time I thought long and hard about my drinking. I've come to the realization that it was never about the drinking it was about how I only wanted to drink to make me forget and to help me just feel better about everything in my life. But right now if I do drink I drink to have fun and don't drink if I'm ever in a bad mood or just having a shitty day. I've made a promise to myself that I never will drink again to escape my problems because they come out full force when drinking and they never go away. I have learned to fix the problems in my life without the need for alcohol. I'm not saying this wont be easy and I wont have the temptation to drink when I am having a bad day, but I have become such a stronger person in a short period of time. I'm changing for me and nobodyelse. I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined right now. I'm just going to draw a map, find a path. Take a breath and run.