My life lately seems like it is on the right track, but then slowly i drift back off course. Thats life, right?? It has been like that my whole life it seems, I dont remember when I was on the right path and I stayed there. But honestly who knows which path is the right one? Who is to say that God didnt draw this map for me? To be completely honest I still feel lost, but only God and I know what the next move I should take. I'm only human and I will probably take a few wrong turns, but I will eventually find my way.
I have made some bad decisions in my life, trust me I'm no angel. People think that I am this innocent human being, but I'm definatly not that. I define myself and nobodyelse. There are a bunch of things I have done in my life that I fully regret and I never have regrets. I have always wanted to live my life regret free, but the last few months I have changed that about myself. I do have regrets and that is fine, but I can't change the thigns I have done in the past. The present and the future is where it lies. So, yes I do regret many things in my life and I want to share some of the more important things that I regret in the last 26th years of my life because I want to get them out for the world to see them. It is like my own little therapy session hahah.
The biggest regret is pushing God out of my life for so very long. At a young age, I would always go to church with my family, but never found interest in church because at that age I didn't fully understand the whole God, religion, and going to church thing. The older I got the further and further I pushed God away from me and I completely stopped going to church because it was my decision to go or not. I decided it just wasn't worth going or having a relationship with God for that matter. Like I said earlier, I steered off course a few times and now i'm finally back on the path accepting my faith and God into my life. I have learned that I can't get through anything that life throws at me without the help from God to help me through the obstacles of life. He is there for me to lean on to grab his hand if I ever feel lost or just needing guidance. It is the best feeling in the world to know I'm not alone and never will be even when I am no longer on this earth, but in heaven. In a later blog I will explain the why I lost my faith and how I have regained it because that will take a very long explanation and seems like a very good discussion that should have its own postiing :)
Another one of my regrets is not being able to handle my drinking and listening to the ones that love me the most that I needed to change. I have had my many drunken nights where I have said, done, and just hurt the ones I love the most while under the influence of alcohol. I am a totally different person, it's like I dont even recognize myself when I'm drunk. Drinking for me was a way to escape who I was, the emotional pain, stresses and alcohol just helped me not feel for a night. It was a get away for me..just a short trip and then in the morning I'm back to reality once again. I've had a few of my closest friends and even a girl that I loved try to tell me to stop drinking, but I would stop for a short period then drink again and I would go back to my same old drinking retardedness. It was until the last few months that I realized I couldnt change for them because it was the being told I needed to do this and it was never I wanted to do it for me and just for myself. It took me going through a bunch of emotional stress and having a lot of alone time to just focus on what I wanted and what I needed. I did stop drinking for a short time because I wanted to stop finally for myself to help better me and in that short time I thought long and hard about my drinking. I've come to the realization that it was never about the drinking it was about how I only wanted to drink to make me forget and to help me just feel better about everything in my life. But right now if I do drink I drink to have fun and don't drink if I'm ever in a bad mood or just having a shitty day. I've made a promise to myself that I never will drink again to escape my problems because they come out full force when drinking and they never go away. I have learned to fix the problems in my life without the need for alcohol. I'm not saying this wont be easy and I wont have the temptation to drink when I am having a bad day, but I have become such a stronger person in a short period of time. I'm changing for me and nobodyelse. I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined right now. I'm just going to draw a map, find a path. Take a breath and run. 
I get so irritated when I hear people say they have no regrets, especially people our age. We get stupid, we make mistakes, and some mistakes we do regret. Living life without regrets is an ideal. What I do believe is when people in older age say they made mistakes, they had regrets, but they wouldn't be who they are now if they hadn't experienced that. So yes, everyone experiences regret. But people move on from those regrets when they become truly happy and know that they don't need anything more in life. That's a long way down the road for us girl.
ReplyDeleteI believe regret is a part of life. I believe that taking the wrong path is a part of life. You don't know what the right path is until you stray away from it. You learn, you turn around, and you make things right.
A favorite quote from my favorite essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Sounds exactly like what you plan to do. My only suggestion: walk, don't run. If you run, you might pass something. Take your time. Enjoy the hike.