I constantly compare myself to people and I have always been a jealous person. Lets all just face it, I'm no typical girl who compares my weight to other girls or think that I wish I had bigger boobs like that girl. I'm speaking more about being that right mold, design, artwork for a girl to be with. My insecurities have arised probably since middle school or a bit later. It all started when I started having feelings for girls. I can't honestly tell anybody when I noticed myself being a tad different than the other girls in regards to who I found attractive. I just remember telling myself that I could never be better than any guy for a girl. The first time I thought that it just stuck and has continued on and on through my life thus far.
It is so bad that it even has effected my relationships that I have had. My jealous definatly increased because I was always worried that I would be left for a guy. I've been cheated on by majority of the girls I have dated and that hurts like hell. It's like a tape keeps repeating in my head saying "Janel you just aren't good enough." I worry about if the girl I am dating will leave me like they all have because they want something better than what I can give them. I can't give them a normal life, but I try my hardest to make them happy and make it as a normal life as I can. I can't give them a family like a straight couple can, but I've always wanted a family. I can't have their parents love me because all I can is be myself and love their daughter like they have always wanted somebody to do. I can't promise that a relationship won't be easy because they never are, but I can promise to make whoever I am with nothing but happiness. I can only give them what I can offer, but when it comes down to it I always fall short of perfect. All I want is one day be enough and more than enough than any guy.
After the very first time I told myself I just wont ever be good enough it turned into a mind game. My head would play tricks on myself. It turned into not being good enough to get good grades, to finish nursing school, and to even be a nurse. No matter how much I kept proving myself wrong, I just continued to believe that I'm not good enough for anything or anybody. I just want to prove myself wrong just one time and actually believe it. Well, I have believed it a few times but in all honestly my believing in myself started when I met one of my close friends. Yes, even considering all that has happened and even if she doesn't agree I still consider her one of my bestfriends. That won't ever change for me. She reminded me that I was good enough to do anything I wanted to do. The way she pushed me and motivated me was what I needed to get back on track. I was at culvers way longer than what I was because I was affraid of applying for any nursing job, but she made me believe that I was smart enough and determined enough to go out and be a nurse. I eventually applied and now I'm working as a nurse. Not exactly where I wanted a job, but it is a nursing job and I am so blessed to have a job. I thank her for pushing me, for challenging me, and for making me see that I am good enough. I just hope one day she sees how much she saved me. There is SO MUCH I NEVER SAID so here it is out in plain view for all to see the real me.
Out of all the words in the dictionary, I hate the word "perfect" the most. There is no such thing as perfect. Each person has his or her own idea of perfect, but in reality, perfect does not exist. It is an ideal.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is be yourself, do your best, and make sure you live up to your own standards.
I love the fact that you can still see the good in your relationship even though it has ended.. at least for the time being. Remember the good, remember what you learned, what she taught you, and keep that with you the rest of your life. Never lose that, but don't hold on to something that has run away and may never return.