This is a continuation from my last posting just figured i should make it into two posts. There is so much just going on in my head and I wish I could find answers to all my questions, but sometimes things are meant to be left unanswered. I have this amazing girl that I have gotten to know recently that makes me happy everytime I see or talk to her, but things just don't compare. Everybody has told me that I just need to give it a shot and maybe it will help me get over my ex, but I can't just hope that it might work becasue it isn't just me that I would be affecting by trialing and erroring it. I'm not this huge asshole who would do this maybe if I was completely over my ex than I would, but I'm just not at that point yet.
I need to be single for myself and relearn how to let my walls down because I'm very guarded with this girl and I shouldn't be so shutoff but i cant help it. It just seems like it is what is best for me right now and considering I am thinking about moving soon too that starting anything with somebody new just wouldn't be far for any of us. I have a lot to think about in the next few days because I'm really confused on what I want to do and what will be best for me. I don't want to run from my problems here because that is just not me and running has never been the best decision.
Lastnight was rough on me as well as on my ex and I just wish things weren't like how they are right now between us two. A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying "I feel like you manipulated me and I just can't feel like that." Manipulation is such a strong word and I absolutely hate this word. I don't want her to feel like this at all because it hurts to think that she thinks this way about me. I feel bad because she thinks this and is hurting because of it and I'm hurting because she thinks this and it is not the case. I know I have hurt her and it tears me up in side that I have hurt her because she is the last person I ever want to hurt. That all was in the past and now is right now and I'm such a better person because I have had time to look back on our relationship. I can't change the past all i can do is focus on a better future and make sure I never hurt her like I have before. I promise I will never hurt her again.
Yesterday, I woke up and had a text message stating "my exes mom was in an accident and was in the hosptial." I was right away worried about her mom and about her so I texted her letting her know I am there for her and her family because I will always be there for them. I just expected one back just letting me know that she was ok, but I got no response. I was hurt and just felt like I was non existent to her life now. If I didn't text her I would have felt like a huge ass and a non caring person and that just isn't the type of person I especially when it comes to her. Well, I ended up texting her again and I finally got a response and it said something about me snapping at her and that her mom was fine. That was all i wanted was a small text stating that she was fine and I would have been relieved to know she was doing well. It is simple things like this that get blown up when it should be so easy, but we both are too blame for it all.
After awhile I decided to text her a bunch of stuff that I was feeling inside which seems like a lot because its texts, but would be so much easier if we could talk face to face. She has asked for space since day one and I give her space, but then I am quick to ruin it by texting her and I'm upset with myself because I know I just continue to hurt her because I am not giving what she needs. I consider myself a decently strong person, but when it comes to her I'm weak and I've always been like that with her. When i mean weak I mean I just have no control thus is why the whole space issue is hard. Im just in love still and I know she is still in love with me making this space so hard for me. But i want it to finally be easy so we can move passed this out of eachothers lives thing and to move forward and finally be happy and be in eachothers lives again.
For us to do this we both need to get past the bad things that happened during our relationship. She needs time to heal and I need to give her this space so she can do that. But i want her to stop thinking I'm manipulative because this is not who i am. I want her to see the real person I am and stop thinking negatively about why I do the things I do because it is all because I miss her and love her so much. Everythign I do comes from my heart, everything I say is the truth about how i'm feeling. We texted a bit this morning and it made me happy because it was a decent conversation and I miss our conversations. One thing i miss the most about her is how she is pretty much the only person who can out do me in humor lol...it takes a lot to make me continue to laugh but with her she always could make me laugh. It is one of her best qualities that i love about her. Things just don't compare when it comes to her and anybodyelse especially girls. She is one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of having in my life and I just want that person back in my life again. I know with time things will work themselves out and if things are meant to be we will find our way back to eachother. I just need to continue to have faith and pray that everhting with her and I will eventually be back like how they use to be, but this time better.
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