Well, it has been a couple days since I have last posted and so much has happened since the last time we have talked. This weekend was Gay Pride in Minneapolis and this has been my second pride that I had the privilage to experience, but nothing compared to this years Pride. The whole idea about going to Pride this year came from my oldest cousin Jamie who has been with his husband for going on 22 years. One night after some drinking, I came home and chatted online with my cousin because I was just having a rough night. He has always been one person that I know no matter what I am going through he is always there to listen and to give advice where necessary. That night, I just needed my cousin to give me any advice "words of wisdom" he could throw at me. I was full of so many emotions I had no idea how to understand what I was going through or how to help myself. He told me his advice on what to do and how to handle them and throughout our conversation he thought it was a great idea to go visit him during Pride weekend and I was quick to say yes. This trip was definatly going to be an interesting one because I was road tripping with one of my close friends, my little sister, and one of my exs (who no matter where we were we just never got a long.) I needed a roadtrip to forget about things, to have a great time, and just live my life to the fullest. It was my weekend to say "Fuck it" and just let things happen as they are suppose to with no regrets. It was a weekend that I needed to make myself believe that I am good enough and will always be enough for somebody, someday.
The image I had in my head of what Pride in the cities would be like did not compare to how Pride in the cities turned out to be. My expectations were met and very quickly exceeded during my trip. First night, we ended up going to this Gay block party which had amazing music and great company. It was the first time that it was announced that Gay marriage in New York is now legal :) One step closer to equality and that's how it should be. I honestly can't explain the feeling that overcame my body when I heard one more state legalized gay marriage and it was that much better being around so many people knowing what I was going through. I just hadn't felt that proud and like I fit in for along time until this weekend. I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time.
My cousin wanted us all to have a great Gay pride experience so he took us to a few gay bars aroudn downtown. Saturday, we all ended up going to three bars: The Saloon, Gay 90s, and Epic (my favorite of the weekend.) Epic was having a girls night on Saturday and all I can say is I have never seen so many Lesbians in my life until that night. I honestly did not expect to meet anybody while I was in the cities, but God had a different plan haha. She has to be one of the nicest, prettiest, most amazing girls I have talked to in awhile besides a couple others. Our conversations just came natural and I was just realy enjoying her company. I'll spare you guys some details, but lets just say I got a number and recieved a text the next night :)
The parade was this mornign around 1100 am and I just hadn't been this happy in a few months. My happiness has been honestly holding me back from being me and staying true to myself. I have been allowing others from preventing me from happiness and I'm through with it all. Sometimes you need to be selfish and think about yourself instead of how it will effect others. I'm not saying I was perfect in the past, I'm far from being any where near perfection. It just comes to a point that I am not allowing this to go on any longer.
I was letting others effect me to the point where I was losing truly who I am. I started hating the person who I was even rethinking my sexuality again. Don't take that the wrong way, not meaning I thought I was straight because I'm far from straight. It was more I was caring less and less who I would hook up with because it didn't matter anymore. Pride was an eye opener for me and allowed me to look at why I have been doing and realizing there is something better out there for me and a world that I am good enough. I was around so many people who are hated on a daily basis because of the ones we love, but I never felt hated once this weekend because I am attracted to women. Is it weird that I felt so much closer and more love this weekend around a shit ton of gay strangers then I have felt with some people I have known for years?
My weekend was drama free, stress free, and I never once felt unhappy. I have found myself once again and I never want to lose myself ever again. I never want to feel like I need to rethink who I am or question the ones that I love. It is amazing when you talk to a person a whole night that you just met and right away question your actions that you have done in the last few months. It took one night talking to an amazing girl who I don't know I will ever see again to make me realize I am enough and always will be. This weekend was the last shove in the right direction. I'm done feeling sorry...done trying to figure things out that arent meant to be figured out...done feeling like I'm in the wrong...done just over and done with it all. You can't fully love somebody until you can fully love yourself and I'm finally getting to that point. I have a long road ahead of me, but with time I'll be ok. Time heals all and I am slowly becoming ready to break down my walls again to allow myself to fall. Happiness is within my grasp all I have to do is allow myself to take the risk to go out and grab it. <3
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