Letting Go...to Live Again

Wow, lets just say I have been through hell and back these last few months. My heart has been taken out of my chest and completely ripped apart. I swore I would never let anybody get that close to me again to ever break my heart, but no matter what you say or do you just can't prevent yourself from falling in love. It took me until today to honestly see a different side to things. I spent days and nights crying because I just didn't know what happened. I was left with so many thoughts running in my head and so many unanswered questions about why? What happened? I was left to fill in the gaps myself which just made it even harder for me to get over things..more difficult to realize how things were and just to move on.

Whoever said just ignoring the problem and just compeltely stop talking was seriously wrong. Ignoring a problem is never the best way to get over things let alone stop completely talking to the person you supposively have problems with. I just got out of a relationship about 3 months ago and until today I just couldn't understand the whys about it all. I was left with so many questions unanswered because she decided to just completely cut all contact off with me. All I wanted was some answers so I could move on and live my life again. Instead, I spents days blaming myself for all that went wrong and why things were the way they are now because of me. I always tend to blame myself when things end up bad because I just would rather blame myself than the other person. Until today, I would only blame myself for my latest relationship ending because I just felt like I was the one left so I must be the reason why it all didn't work out.

I have tried my hardest to fix what was broken. I spent hours writing a letter explaining my changes and just everything that has been circling in my head the last few months. For some reason, I felt like I needed to write this letter to make her see everything I have been trying to figure out and to help her realize things will be ok. I've decided not to give her this letter because I shouldn't have to explain my love for her and convince her that loving me is ok because I never once had to rethink my love for her. My love for her has never been the issue, but for her it has. Help her understand that Love will and always will be the answer and will help people get through anything no matter the problems they are faced with. I have done everything in my heart to convince her that I'm sorry and that what we have is the real deal, but today something just cameover me. I haven't had this much relief for a few months and I feel free finally.

I'm done blaming myself for everything that went wrong and why things are the way they are right now. I won't ever blame myself for a relationship ending because it takes two people to make or break a relationship. I never will regret falling in love with her because I still am and will always have love for her because I never fell so deeply in love with somebody until her. I have had a few other relationships where we werent together long enough for me to fall for the other person and those other girls I never saw myself with longer than a few months. My latest ex was totally different though and no matter how hard I tried to prevent myself for falling for her, love was always stronger than I could ever fight against. I use to blame myself for her falling for me that if I just suppressed my feelings that they would just eventually go away and her and I would have never started dating. The thing is, is that I don't blame myself anymore for her falling for me because I did nothing to make her fall in love with me, she did it herself. I never forced her or pushed her into loving me because love can not be forced into somebody, it just happens. And now it is time for her to realize that loving me is ok no matter if I am a girl because gender has nothing to do with it, you fall for the person not their gender. Loving her was the easiest thing for me, but in the end that never mattered.

I won't continue to blame myself for us falling in love because I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I would go through all of this pain and suffering just cause the good memories I had with her will always out weight the bad. I still smile and sometimes laugh when something reminds me of her or reminds me of the stupid things we use to do. I passed a fountain the other day while driving and I just started laughing because her and I would always joke about putting bubbles in a fountain, but we found out it was a felony so we decided against doing that lol. It is the things like that just reminds me that no matter what has happened that we had those good times together and those are the memories I will continue to rememeber when I think about her. I know the person she is and who i have grown to love and I will never think negatively of her or talk negatively about her ever. I have no reason to just cause we are not together doesn't mean I hate her or a need to think badly of her. It just means that what her and I had was good for that time and it just isn't our time yet. And who knows what the future will bring, but right now i'm going to focus on myself and living again.

I need to start living my life again and doing that without having the worry of somebodyelse. I've changed so much about myself recently and I only know with time that there are more great things to come for me. I am letting go of a huge part of my life to focus on being happy again and I know it wont be easy, but it has to be better than what I have been going through the last few months. I have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. Without any of them I would be in a huge hole probably not trying to dig myself out of and just probably still at the point where I was 3 months ago. It took me 3 months to let go and move on. The sadness, the emptiness, the hurt will all still be here for awhile until I find something better to take its place, but i'm not worried. I'm not worried that I'll find the happiness again that I had with her and who knows like I said what the future may bring. Time is what helps a person heal and that is all I need is time. Time for myself to grow and learn to live again. It is finally time to Let go to live again.