Inspiration in My Sky

In my 26 years of life, I have learned so much from people that have entered my life. Not all experiences are good, but you learn from both good and bad. You continually grow and learn from the people and the experiences that you encounter throughout your life. The people you meet during your life have so much impact on your life, well mine anyways. I just never would have thought the ones who have the greatest impact on my life have been so much younger than I. But age doesn't really matter to be completely honest. One person who has taught me so much thus far in her 5 years of life has been my niece Cara.

Cara is my 5 year old niece who has been through more in her 5 years of life than a lot of people. She is one of the smartest, most determined, funniest little girls I have the pleasure of having in my life. She was born 5 weeks early, but none of us cared how early she was we were just really excited to finally have her here. Nobody worried about any complications, she was a healthy 5 pound and something baby girl. It was when they did her hearing test that changed all of our lives with the information we obtained from the doctor. The doctor stated "she failed her hearing test." The doctor told us there could be a few reasons for this that we shouldn't be worked up about the results just yet. Cara could have failed her test because she might have had fluid built up in her ear not allowing her to hear, but could clear up in a few days so the doctor advised we wait for a few days just to make sure. The next few days were pretty much a waiting game for my family.

I went to visit Cara in the NICU beause she was so early she had to be in the intensive care unit and only two visitors were allowed in there at a time. It was right away when I noticed that she was different than the other babies in the NICU. While the other babies cried and could be calmed down by the voice of their parents, Cara was so silent not being stardled by any noise that swept through the NICU. She looked so peaceful and that for some reason scared me.

 I remember being woken up by my mom in the morning and my mom telling me they did another hearing test and that Cara was deaf. She cried and I started crying shortly after hearing the news. My initial thought about her being deaf was she wouldn't beable to do certain things a hearing child will beable to do. That the three words I was wanting to hear someday would possibly never be said "I Love You." I felt sorry for her and was scared for what she would have  face throughout her life. I was sad for my sister because this wasn't how her first pregnancy was suppose to go. I just was overwhelmed with emotions, but I knew that Cara was a strong little one that she could and would overcome every obstacle in her life and this was just one she had to tackle.

It was age the age of 9 months, if i have the timing right when she recieved her first cochlear implant. Nobody in my family had ever heard of a cochlear implant, but I remember the first time I saw a youtube video of this 6 year old girl that recieved these when she was around 9 months old. I just remember watching this video and my eyes began to water because I saw so much hope for my nieces future. At the age of 5, she has been put through 4 surgeries so far but hears at the same decibils as a person that was born hearing. :) You can tell little by her speech that she has difficulty hearing and with certain words, but she is our miracle baby.

She is about to have another surgery to fix a broken implant come this August which I wish she wouldn't have to be put through, but she is such a strong person that she will be ok. Cara has inspired so many people she has been incontact with and I just know she will be an inspiration too many more people through out her life. I've been nothing but proud of Cara since she has been born. She makes me want to be a better person and inspires me to do certain things in my life I thought I could never do. With this next surgery, I honestly feel less worried like I have with the last ones because I know it is all in Gods hands and that is how I know she will be safe. She is my miracle angel...she is the inspiration in my sky. I love you Cara Marie so very much <3

It Just Doesn't Compare

This is a continuation from my last posting just figured i should make it into two posts. There is so much just going on in my head and I wish I could find answers to all my questions, but sometimes things are meant to be left unanswered. I have this amazing girl that I have gotten to know recently that makes me happy everytime I see or talk to her, but things just don't compare. Everybody has told me that I just need to give it a shot and maybe it will help me get over my ex, but I can't just hope that it might work becasue it isn't just me that I would be affecting by trialing and erroring it. I'm not this huge asshole who would do this maybe if I was completely over my ex than I would, but I'm just not at that point yet.

I need to be single for myself and relearn how to let my walls down because I'm very guarded with this girl and I shouldn't be so shutoff but i cant help it. It just seems like it is what is best for me right now and considering I am thinking about moving soon too that starting anything with somebody new just wouldn't be far for any of us. I have a lot to think about in the next few days because I'm really confused on what I want to do and what will be best for me. I don't want to run from my problems here because that is just not me and running has never been the best decision.

Lastnight was rough on me as well as on my ex and I just wish things weren't like how they are right now between us two. A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying "I feel like you manipulated me and I just can't feel like that." Manipulation is such a strong word and I absolutely hate this word. I don't want her to feel like this at all because it hurts to think that she thinks this way about me. I feel bad because she thinks this and is hurting because of it and I'm hurting because she thinks this and it is not the case. I know I have hurt her and it tears me up in side that I have hurt her because she is the last person I ever want to hurt. That all was in the past and now is right now and I'm such a better person because I have had time to look back on our relationship. I can't change the past all i can do is focus on a better future and make sure I never hurt her like I have before. I promise I will never hurt her again.

Yesterday, I woke up and had a text message stating "my exes mom was in an accident and was in the hosptial." I was right away worried about her mom and about her so I texted her letting her know I am there for her and her family because I will always be there for them. I just expected one back just letting me know that she was ok, but I got no response. I was hurt and just felt like I was non existent to her life now. If I didn't text her I would have felt like a huge ass and a non caring person and that just isn't the type of person I especially when it comes to her. Well, I ended up texting her again and I finally got a response and it said something about me snapping at her and that her mom was fine. That was all i wanted was a small text stating that she was fine and I would have been relieved to know she was doing well. It is simple things like this that get blown up when it should be so easy, but we both are too blame for it all.

After awhile I decided to text her a bunch of stuff that I was feeling inside which seems like a lot because its texts, but would be so much easier if we could talk face to face. She has asked for space since day one and I give her space, but then I am quick to ruin it by texting her and I'm upset with myself because I know I just continue to hurt her because I am not giving what she needs. I consider myself a decently strong person, but when it comes to her I'm weak and I've always been like that with her. When i mean weak I mean I just have no control thus is why the whole space issue is hard. Im just in love still and I know she is still in love with me making this space so hard for me. But i want it to finally be easy so we can move passed this out of eachothers lives thing and to move forward and finally be happy and be in eachothers lives again.

For us to do this we both need to get past the bad things that happened during our relationship. She needs time to heal and I need to give her this space so she can do that. But i want her to stop thinking I'm manipulative because this is not who i am.  I want her to see the real person I am and stop thinking negatively about why I do the things I do because it is all because I miss her and love her so much. Everythign I do comes from my heart, everything I say is the truth about how i'm feeling. We texted a bit this morning and it made me happy because it was a decent conversation and I miss our conversations. One thing i miss the most about her is how she is pretty much the only person who can out do me in humor lol...it takes a lot to make me continue to laugh but with her she always could make me laugh. It is one of her best qualities that i love about her. Things just don't compare when it comes to her and anybodyelse especially girls. She is one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of having in my life and I just want that person back in my life again. I know with time things will work themselves out and if things are meant to be we will find our way back to eachother. I just need to continue to have faith and pray that everhting with her and I will eventually be back like how they use to be, but this time better.

Waiting for Forever

Dusk and Summer

It has been awhile since I have lasted posted just been going through a lot this last month and I needed time to figure it all out. I've been keeping pretty busy especially since summer is finally here and spending time with friends and family has really helped a lot. Well anyways, we shall start from the beginning and then we will go from there.

I have finally met somebody who has helped me in more ways than one to help get my life back on track. We met awhile ago through my sister because she use to hangout with that crowd a lot back then and we would say hi when we saw eachother but really never got the chance to get to really know eachother. She came into my life just at the right time because I was moving forward, but I seemed to just take a few steps back until her and I started randomly talking a few months ago on facebook. My life was slowly crashing right infront of me and at the same time she was going through almost the same situation. I just got out of a relationship and she was seperated from her husband which was no suprise because she has always dated girls just one of those things "you fall for the person not the gender" kind of thing. It happens and both of our previous relationships has been a prime example that people do fall for the person and not their gender.

It is weird to say but all of this felt like deja vu because her and I started talking on facebook then we exchanged numbers been talking everyday since then and music has been a huge common interest with us. Our love for music is what really started us going from just talking on facebook to randomly texting random bands throughout the day no matter the time. She listens to me when I had a shitty day and she tries to say anything to make me feel better and it usually helps. Our talks never get dull and I just keep learning more and more things about this girl that just keeps me wanting her more. When we hangout it is nothing but amazing and drama never near when we hangout. She is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders because she has been through so much thus far in her life. Her random texts automaticallly puts a smile on my face and I miss this feeling. I miss the feeling that I always use to get when my ex use to just text me randomness that would make me tingle inside because she always sent the best texts. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a dilema.

Nothing can ever come easy, but this is just life. Her life is very chaotic right now because she is not divorced yet and she has a kid. It is way too much for me to handle especially when I'm not completely ok with the stuff going on in my life yet. This all just freaks me out and I'm at a lose on what I want, what i need, and what is best for me. I never can just think about what is best for me ever though because I always worry about the other person and it is just not us a kid is involved now too which makes it even harder. Also, i just am so affraid to let my walls down with anybody again especially right now. It has only been 4 months and I'm not fully healed yet. I need to be single right now to focus on myself to continue bettering myself without having to worry about anybodyelse right now. And I'm not fully over my ex either which makes me so much more confused with things.

Memories Never Fade

Have you ever wished that memories would just fade? That one day you would wake up and some memories would just up and vanish? With hopes that they would someday disappear just so you could have some reassurance of a happier life. I'm stuck in this life of amazing, unforgettable memories that I want to hold on to forever but at the same time, I wish it all would just erase from my mind. I have so many emotions weighing me down that I am losing myself. I'm losing who I once was and the person who I am now.

I could sit here and lie to everybody just to appear to be ok, but what is the good in that? I'm reminded everyday...every hour...every second of everyday of the hurt that has overcome my life. The memories are what is killing me and taking over my everything. It is the remeberance of what I had...what made me happy...what made me want to live again that is now destroying me. It is taking over my life, but I can't seem to let it all go. I'm stuck between want I want, what I need, what will make me happy, and what will make me whole again.

Nobody understands what it feels like to live a life that is so empty inside. Everything is a vivid memory of what life was when I was happy and it is hard to let that go because it was the first time in my life I felt alive. It was the first time in my life that all my insecurities that I had in my life just got thrown out the window. I finally felt good enough...finally felt wanted...finally felt loved...I finally felt like I could breath again. Right now, as I sit here those moments are nothing but a memory.

These memories are what should be easing the pain, but the pain stays close to my side. Certain songs bring tears to my eyes because they remind me of the moments that once brought a smile to my face. Certain foods should ease my hungry, but yet the memories make me sick to my stomach. Certain places I use to love to go to have fun now just brings too much remembrance of misery to my mind that fun is such a foreign word to me now. It's these memories that once pulled me from a bad place to finally living again that are now  haunting my every move.  These are what is destroying my heart please take them away so I can never remember what I once had that once made me want to live again.

These Memories never fade they are way too clear to me. If I had one wish I wish they would up and leave me just like you have. Just like you promised me you would never do.

The WHYs of Life

Today, I heard some devastating news from one of my friends. He told me that a kid from Brandon ended his life by jumping off of the elementary school building. So many emotions cameover me when I heard this news. I have a few friends that not too long ago graduated from Brandon and my first thoughts automatically went to worrying about if these friends knew him. One person specifically came to my mind right away and I just had to make sure she was doing ok if she heard the news. I have never heard of this kid before, but I felt saddened for his family, his friends, and other families who have ever lost a family memeber from suicide.

I have never understood how a person could experience so much pain wanting to resort to ending their lives. Life is a precious thing. You hear about a newborn living only a few hours after being born, but then you hear a person living a long life of 110 years and you just try to find answers to why. Everything comes down to the three letter word WHY, but that small word is the question to so many situations. Why does some people die from cancer? Why do certain children have to suffer because other kids  decide it is funny to bully another? Why do people feel like their is a certain image that everybody has to pertray just to please outsiders? I mean what is the world coming to where everybody worries so much on other people that their happiness depends not on themselves, but on what others think of them.

We live in a world full of so much hate I am just disgusted. People are so trapped in so much pain and suffering that no matter if they are surrounded by so much love they neglect to see it all. It is like the love and happiness is blurred from their vision because they are so tormented by the struggles deep down within themselves. Sometimes the pain is so excruciating that you or I or any type of medication can not even help heal a person. Being in the profession that I am, I have changed my perception on the use of medications. I have found that medications just masks symptoms, but it deep down doesn't fix what is broken. One main type of medications I'm talking about is ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

I use to have mixed emotions on the use of antidepressants because I have seen the good that has come from these types of meds, but I have also seen the bad. Our world is totally for the use of medications, but in reality the side effects of some medications aren't worth the reason for why you are taking it in the first place. I have family and friends on Antidepressants and I also have had friends lose a loved one because of being on one. There are more better ways to cope with problems instead of being put on a medication because it is just covering up the true problem.

I can not tell you why people do the things they do. I can not say why this young boy who had a full life ahead of him decided to take his own life because only that person knows. Everybody who has or is thinking of suicide has asked for help or has hinted at it once or a few times. It isn't always straight forward "I need Help," they do it in so many different ways. I am  a prime example of a person who has asked for help and has struggled through life, but the only answer I found was I could only help myself nobodyelse. I'll being writing another blog so I can go more into depth about myself. It will be very personal and it is meant to all be out on the table, but for I'll just wrap up this blog for now.

My prayers go out to the family and friends of Kendall who recently passed away. My thoughts and prayers are also with the familes and friends who have ever had a loved one feel like they had no way out, but to end their lives. They are all in heaven right now hanging out with Jesus and they are in a better place right now. They all will be missed and loved until they are one day reunited back with their loved ones. You all will never be forgotten

Don't You Remember

This song definatly represents what I've been going through the last few months and how I still feel. I still remember everything from her laughs to her love for music. I just want her to remember me once more because she is the first thing I think about when I wake up and she is the last thing I think about before I sleep. I love you more than you know