Your Guardian Angel

Happiness is Within My Grasp

Well, it has been a couple days since I have last posted and so much has happened since the last time we have talked. This weekend was Gay Pride in Minneapolis and this has been my second pride that I had the privilage to experience, but nothing compared to this years Pride. The whole idea about going to Pride this year came from my oldest cousin Jamie who has been with his husband for going on 22 years. One night after some drinking, I came home and chatted online with my cousin because I was just having a rough night. He has always been one person that I know no matter what I am going through he is always there to listen and to give advice where necessary. That night, I just needed my cousin to give me any advice "words of wisdom" he could throw at me. I was full of so many emotions I had no idea how to understand what I was going through or how to help myself. He told me his advice on what to do and how to handle them and throughout our conversation he thought it was a great idea to go visit him during Pride weekend and I was quick to say yes.

This trip was definatly going to be an interesting one because I was road tripping with one of my close friends, my little sister, and one of my exs (who no matter where we were we just never got a long.) I needed a roadtrip to forget about things, to have a great time, and just live my life to the fullest. It was my weekend to say "Fuck it" and just let things happen as they are suppose to with no regrets. It was a weekend that I needed to make myself believe that I am good enough and will always be enough for somebody, someday.

The image I had in my head of what Pride in the cities would be like did not compare to how Pride in the cities turned out to be. My expectations were met and very quickly exceeded during my trip. First night, we ended up going to this Gay block party which had amazing music and great company. It was the first time that it was announced that Gay marriage in New York is now legal :) One step closer to equality and that's how it should be. I honestly can't explain the feeling that overcame my body when I heard one more state legalized gay marriage and it was that much better being around so many people knowing what I was going through. I just hadn't felt that proud and like I fit in for along time until this weekend. I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time.

My cousin wanted us all to have a great Gay pride experience so he took us to a few gay bars aroudn downtown. Saturday, we all ended up going to three bars: The Saloon, Gay 90s, and Epic (my favorite of the weekend.) Epic was having a girls night on Saturday and all I can say is I have never seen so many Lesbians in my life until that night. I honestly did not expect to meet anybody while I was in the cities, but God had a different plan haha. She has to be one of the nicest, prettiest, most amazing girls I have talked to in awhile besides a couple others. Our conversations just came natural and I was just realy enjoying her company. I'll spare you guys some details, but lets just say I got a number and recieved a text the next night :)

The parade was this mornign around 1100 am and I just hadn't been this happy in a few months. My happiness has been honestly holding me back from being me and staying true to myself. I have been allowing others from preventing me from happiness and I'm through with it all. Sometimes you need to be selfish and think about yourself instead of how it will effect others. I'm not saying I was perfect in the past, I'm far from being any where near perfection. It just comes to a point that I am not allowing this to go on any longer.

I was letting others effect me to the point where I was losing truly who I am. I started hating the person who I was even rethinking my sexuality again. Don't take that the wrong way, not meaning I thought I was straight because I'm far from straight. It was more I was caring less and less who I would hook up with because it didn't matter anymore. Pride was an eye opener for me and allowed me to look at why I have been doing and realizing there is something better out there for me and a world that I am good enough. I was around so many people who are hated on a daily basis because of the ones we love, but I never felt hated once this weekend because I am attracted to women. Is it weird that I felt so much closer and more love this weekend around a shit ton of gay strangers then I have felt with some people I have known for years?

My weekend was drama free, stress free, and I never once felt unhappy. I have found myself once again and I never want to lose myself ever again. I never want to feel like I need to rethink who I am or question the ones that I love. It is amazing when you talk to a person a whole night that you just met and right away question your actions that you have done in the last few months. It took one night talking to an amazing girl who I don't know I will ever see again to make me realize I am enough and always will be. This weekend was the last shove in the right direction. I'm done feeling sorry...done trying to figure things out that arent meant to be figured out...done feeling like I'm in the wrong...done just over and done with it all. You can't fully love somebody until you can fully love yourself and I'm finally getting to that point. I have a long road ahead of me, but with time I'll be ok. Time heals all and I am slowly becoming ready to break down my walls again to allow myself to fall. Happiness is within my grasp all I have to do is allow myself to take the risk to go out and grab it. <3

Not Minding What Happens

Alright, so I'm reading this book called "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." I got this book when I was doing my nursing internship in Boise, Idaho. I had a few days alone in Boise before my roommates got there, so I decided that it was best to get a book but never actually sat down to read it until now. I'm not much of a reader, but have found a lot of interest in reading lately just trying something new.

The author of this book name is Eckhart Tolle and through this book he tries to illuminate and uplift a better way of life and a better world through his writing through spiritual guidance. I won't lie, majority of the book I had to read the pages a few times to completely understand what he was trying to get across. It wasn't the easiest read and I found myself skipping pages to get to chapters that I found interesting to me. The book talks a lot about your innerself, your ego and how to cope with certain things that you come  across in your lifetime to avoid the dysfunctional side of life.

I found a section of the book to be very interesting and very helpful for myself. The chapter is called "Not Minding What Happens." It talks about an Indian philospher named J. Krishnamutri who travels and teachs all around the world. The section goes on to talking about a secret he reveals to his audience at one of his lectures about what has helped him get through life and it was 5 of the simplest words that he spoke. "I DON'T MIND WHAT HAPPENS."

Honestly, I did not understand why these words were so powerful and meaningful until I let them soak in. My best time to think is at night when I'm alone, so working an overnight tonight allowed me to have time to just try to comprehend these words. By allowing yourself to not mind what happens throughout your life because we have no control over what will happen allows us to be more align with what happens internally. We are in reality are our worst enemies and nobodyelse. We allow ourselves to believe what happens is either good or bad. It is us who makes ourselves hold on to things instead of letting things be. By not minding what happens we are not considering anything that happens today, tomorrow, or even years from now as good or bad but as just how things are meant to be. LETTING THINGS BE.

Who is to say what is defined as good or bad? Things are meant to happen the way they should and nobody can stop what is meant to be. I've had unhappy moments in my life, but that is becasue I allowed myself to dwell too much on it and I defined those situations as being unhappy. But, in the end something great came out of each situation and it all ended up working out. I've spent too many days being unhappy because i've just allowed myself to be unhappy when I should have just let thigns be and moved on. It is weird how much you learn through a few pages of reading :) My new thing i'm going to live by...NOT MINDING WHAT HAPPENS and I already can tell a change in my mood. I'm learning one day at a time and this is beginning to feel right.

Inspiration in My Sky

In my 26 years of life, I have learned so much from people that have entered my life. Not all experiences are good, but you learn from both good and bad. You continually grow and learn from the people and the experiences that you encounter throughout your life. The people you meet during your life have so much impact on your life, well mine anyways. I just never would have thought the ones who have the greatest impact on my life have been so much younger than I. But age doesn't really matter to be completely honest. One person who has taught me so much thus far in her 5 years of life has been my niece Cara.

Cara is my 5 year old niece who has been through more in her 5 years of life than a lot of people. She is one of the smartest, most determined, funniest little girls I have the pleasure of having in my life. She was born 5 weeks early, but none of us cared how early she was we were just really excited to finally have her here. Nobody worried about any complications, she was a healthy 5 pound and something baby girl. It was when they did her hearing test that changed all of our lives with the information we obtained from the doctor. The doctor stated "she failed her hearing test." The doctor told us there could be a few reasons for this that we shouldn't be worked up about the results just yet. Cara could have failed her test because she might have had fluid built up in her ear not allowing her to hear, but could clear up in a few days so the doctor advised we wait for a few days just to make sure. The next few days were pretty much a waiting game for my family.

I went to visit Cara in the NICU beause she was so early she had to be in the intensive care unit and only two visitors were allowed in there at a time. It was right away when I noticed that she was different than the other babies in the NICU. While the other babies cried and could be calmed down by the voice of their parents, Cara was so silent not being stardled by any noise that swept through the NICU. She looked so peaceful and that for some reason scared me.

 I remember being woken up by my mom in the morning and my mom telling me they did another hearing test and that Cara was deaf. She cried and I started crying shortly after hearing the news. My initial thought about her being deaf was she wouldn't beable to do certain things a hearing child will beable to do. That the three words I was wanting to hear someday would possibly never be said "I Love You." I felt sorry for her and was scared for what she would have  face throughout her life. I was sad for my sister because this wasn't how her first pregnancy was suppose to go. I just was overwhelmed with emotions, but I knew that Cara was a strong little one that she could and would overcome every obstacle in her life and this was just one she had to tackle.

It was age the age of 9 months, if i have the timing right when she recieved her first cochlear implant. Nobody in my family had ever heard of a cochlear implant, but I remember the first time I saw a youtube video of this 6 year old girl that recieved these when she was around 9 months old. I just remember watching this video and my eyes began to water because I saw so much hope for my nieces future. At the age of 5, she has been put through 4 surgeries so far but hears at the same decibils as a person that was born hearing. :) You can tell little by her speech that she has difficulty hearing and with certain words, but she is our miracle baby.

She is about to have another surgery to fix a broken implant come this August which I wish she wouldn't have to be put through, but she is such a strong person that she will be ok. Cara has inspired so many people she has been incontact with and I just know she will be an inspiration too many more people through out her life. I've been nothing but proud of Cara since she has been born. She makes me want to be a better person and inspires me to do certain things in my life I thought I could never do. With this next surgery, I honestly feel less worried like I have with the last ones because I know it is all in Gods hands and that is how I know she will be safe. She is my miracle angel...she is the inspiration in my sky. I love you Cara Marie so very much <3

It Just Doesn't Compare

This is a continuation from my last posting just figured i should make it into two posts. There is so much just going on in my head and I wish I could find answers to all my questions, but sometimes things are meant to be left unanswered. I have this amazing girl that I have gotten to know recently that makes me happy everytime I see or talk to her, but things just don't compare. Everybody has told me that I just need to give it a shot and maybe it will help me get over my ex, but I can't just hope that it might work becasue it isn't just me that I would be affecting by trialing and erroring it. I'm not this huge asshole who would do this maybe if I was completely over my ex than I would, but I'm just not at that point yet.

I need to be single for myself and relearn how to let my walls down because I'm very guarded with this girl and I shouldn't be so shutoff but i cant help it. It just seems like it is what is best for me right now and considering I am thinking about moving soon too that starting anything with somebody new just wouldn't be far for any of us. I have a lot to think about in the next few days because I'm really confused on what I want to do and what will be best for me. I don't want to run from my problems here because that is just not me and running has never been the best decision.

Lastnight was rough on me as well as on my ex and I just wish things weren't like how they are right now between us two. A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying "I feel like you manipulated me and I just can't feel like that." Manipulation is such a strong word and I absolutely hate this word. I don't want her to feel like this at all because it hurts to think that she thinks this way about me. I feel bad because she thinks this and is hurting because of it and I'm hurting because she thinks this and it is not the case. I know I have hurt her and it tears me up in side that I have hurt her because she is the last person I ever want to hurt. That all was in the past and now is right now and I'm such a better person because I have had time to look back on our relationship. I can't change the past all i can do is focus on a better future and make sure I never hurt her like I have before. I promise I will never hurt her again.

Yesterday, I woke up and had a text message stating "my exes mom was in an accident and was in the hosptial." I was right away worried about her mom and about her so I texted her letting her know I am there for her and her family because I will always be there for them. I just expected one back just letting me know that she was ok, but I got no response. I was hurt and just felt like I was non existent to her life now. If I didn't text her I would have felt like a huge ass and a non caring person and that just isn't the type of person I especially when it comes to her. Well, I ended up texting her again and I finally got a response and it said something about me snapping at her and that her mom was fine. That was all i wanted was a small text stating that she was fine and I would have been relieved to know she was doing well. It is simple things like this that get blown up when it should be so easy, but we both are too blame for it all.

After awhile I decided to text her a bunch of stuff that I was feeling inside which seems like a lot because its texts, but would be so much easier if we could talk face to face. She has asked for space since day one and I give her space, but then I am quick to ruin it by texting her and I'm upset with myself because I know I just continue to hurt her because I am not giving what she needs. I consider myself a decently strong person, but when it comes to her I'm weak and I've always been like that with her. When i mean weak I mean I just have no control thus is why the whole space issue is hard. Im just in love still and I know she is still in love with me making this space so hard for me. But i want it to finally be easy so we can move passed this out of eachothers lives thing and to move forward and finally be happy and be in eachothers lives again.

For us to do this we both need to get past the bad things that happened during our relationship. She needs time to heal and I need to give her this space so she can do that. But i want her to stop thinking I'm manipulative because this is not who i am.  I want her to see the real person I am and stop thinking negatively about why I do the things I do because it is all because I miss her and love her so much. Everythign I do comes from my heart, everything I say is the truth about how i'm feeling. We texted a bit this morning and it made me happy because it was a decent conversation and I miss our conversations. One thing i miss the most about her is how she is pretty much the only person who can out do me in humor lol...it takes a lot to make me continue to laugh but with her she always could make me laugh. It is one of her best qualities that i love about her. Things just don't compare when it comes to her and anybodyelse especially girls. She is one of the greatest people I have had the pleasure of having in my life and I just want that person back in my life again. I know with time things will work themselves out and if things are meant to be we will find our way back to eachother. I just need to continue to have faith and pray that everhting with her and I will eventually be back like how they use to be, but this time better.

Waiting for Forever

Dusk and Summer

It has been awhile since I have lasted posted just been going through a lot this last month and I needed time to figure it all out. I've been keeping pretty busy especially since summer is finally here and spending time with friends and family has really helped a lot. Well anyways, we shall start from the beginning and then we will go from there.

I have finally met somebody who has helped me in more ways than one to help get my life back on track. We met awhile ago through my sister because she use to hangout with that crowd a lot back then and we would say hi when we saw eachother but really never got the chance to get to really know eachother. She came into my life just at the right time because I was moving forward, but I seemed to just take a few steps back until her and I started randomly talking a few months ago on facebook. My life was slowly crashing right infront of me and at the same time she was going through almost the same situation. I just got out of a relationship and she was seperated from her husband which was no suprise because she has always dated girls just one of those things "you fall for the person not the gender" kind of thing. It happens and both of our previous relationships has been a prime example that people do fall for the person and not their gender.

It is weird to say but all of this felt like deja vu because her and I started talking on facebook then we exchanged numbers been talking everyday since then and music has been a huge common interest with us. Our love for music is what really started us going from just talking on facebook to randomly texting random bands throughout the day no matter the time. She listens to me when I had a shitty day and she tries to say anything to make me feel better and it usually helps. Our talks never get dull and I just keep learning more and more things about this girl that just keeps me wanting her more. When we hangout it is nothing but amazing and drama never near when we hangout. She is very mature and has a good head on her shoulders because she has been through so much thus far in her life. Her random texts automaticallly puts a smile on my face and I miss this feeling. I miss the feeling that I always use to get when my ex use to just text me randomness that would make me tingle inside because she always sent the best texts. As you can tell, I'm in a bit of a dilema.

Nothing can ever come easy, but this is just life. Her life is very chaotic right now because she is not divorced yet and she has a kid. It is way too much for me to handle especially when I'm not completely ok with the stuff going on in my life yet. This all just freaks me out and I'm at a lose on what I want, what i need, and what is best for me. I never can just think about what is best for me ever though because I always worry about the other person and it is just not us a kid is involved now too which makes it even harder. Also, i just am so affraid to let my walls down with anybody again especially right now. It has only been 4 months and I'm not fully healed yet. I need to be single right now to focus on myself to continue bettering myself without having to worry about anybodyelse right now. And I'm not fully over my ex either which makes me so much more confused with things.