Memories Never Fade

Have you ever wished that memories would just fade? That one day you would wake up and some memories would just up and vanish? With hopes that they would someday disappear just so you could have some reassurance of a happier life. I'm stuck in this life of amazing, unforgettable memories that I want to hold on to forever but at the same time, I wish it all would just erase from my mind. I have so many emotions weighing me down that I am losing myself. I'm losing who I once was and the person who I am now.

I could sit here and lie to everybody just to appear to be ok, but what is the good in that? I'm reminded everyday...every hour...every second of everyday of the hurt that has overcome my life. The memories are what is killing me and taking over my everything. It is the remeberance of what I had...what made me happy...what made me want to live again that is now destroying me. It is taking over my life, but I can't seem to let it all go. I'm stuck between want I want, what I need, what will make me happy, and what will make me whole again.

Nobody understands what it feels like to live a life that is so empty inside. Everything is a vivid memory of what life was when I was happy and it is hard to let that go because it was the first time in my life I felt alive. It was the first time in my life that all my insecurities that I had in my life just got thrown out the window. I finally felt good enough...finally felt wanted...finally felt loved...I finally felt like I could breath again. Right now, as I sit here those moments are nothing but a memory.

These memories are what should be easing the pain, but the pain stays close to my side. Certain songs bring tears to my eyes because they remind me of the moments that once brought a smile to my face. Certain foods should ease my hungry, but yet the memories make me sick to my stomach. Certain places I use to love to go to have fun now just brings too much remembrance of misery to my mind that fun is such a foreign word to me now. It's these memories that once pulled me from a bad place to finally living again that are now  haunting my every move.  These are what is destroying my heart please take them away so I can never remember what I once had that once made me want to live again.

These Memories never fade they are way too clear to me. If I had one wish I wish they would up and leave me just like you have. Just like you promised me you would never do.

The WHYs of Life

Today, I heard some devastating news from one of my friends. He told me that a kid from Brandon ended his life by jumping off of the elementary school building. So many emotions cameover me when I heard this news. I have a few friends that not too long ago graduated from Brandon and my first thoughts automatically went to worrying about if these friends knew him. One person specifically came to my mind right away and I just had to make sure she was doing ok if she heard the news. I have never heard of this kid before, but I felt saddened for his family, his friends, and other families who have ever lost a family memeber from suicide.

I have never understood how a person could experience so much pain wanting to resort to ending their lives. Life is a precious thing. You hear about a newborn living only a few hours after being born, but then you hear a person living a long life of 110 years and you just try to find answers to why. Everything comes down to the three letter word WHY, but that small word is the question to so many situations. Why does some people die from cancer? Why do certain children have to suffer because other kids  decide it is funny to bully another? Why do people feel like their is a certain image that everybody has to pertray just to please outsiders? I mean what is the world coming to where everybody worries so much on other people that their happiness depends not on themselves, but on what others think of them.

We live in a world full of so much hate I am just disgusted. People are so trapped in so much pain and suffering that no matter if they are surrounded by so much love they neglect to see it all. It is like the love and happiness is blurred from their vision because they are so tormented by the struggles deep down within themselves. Sometimes the pain is so excruciating that you or I or any type of medication can not even help heal a person. Being in the profession that I am, I have changed my perception on the use of medications. I have found that medications just masks symptoms, but it deep down doesn't fix what is broken. One main type of medications I'm talking about is ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

I use to have mixed emotions on the use of antidepressants because I have seen the good that has come from these types of meds, but I have also seen the bad. Our world is totally for the use of medications, but in reality the side effects of some medications aren't worth the reason for why you are taking it in the first place. I have family and friends on Antidepressants and I also have had friends lose a loved one because of being on one. There are more better ways to cope with problems instead of being put on a medication because it is just covering up the true problem.

I can not tell you why people do the things they do. I can not say why this young boy who had a full life ahead of him decided to take his own life because only that person knows. Everybody who has or is thinking of suicide has asked for help or has hinted at it once or a few times. It isn't always straight forward "I need Help," they do it in so many different ways. I am  a prime example of a person who has asked for help and has struggled through life, but the only answer I found was I could only help myself nobodyelse. I'll being writing another blog so I can go more into depth about myself. It will be very personal and it is meant to all be out on the table, but for I'll just wrap up this blog for now.

My prayers go out to the family and friends of Kendall who recently passed away. My thoughts and prayers are also with the familes and friends who have ever had a loved one feel like they had no way out, but to end their lives. They are all in heaven right now hanging out with Jesus and they are in a better place right now. They all will be missed and loved until they are one day reunited back with their loved ones. You all will never be forgotten

Don't You Remember

This song definatly represents what I've been going through the last few months and how I still feel. I still remember everything from her laughs to her love for music. I just want her to remember me once more because she is the first thing I think about when I wake up and she is the last thing I think about before I sleep. I love you more than you know

Letting Go...to Live Again

Wow, lets just say I have been through hell and back these last few months. My heart has been taken out of my chest and completely ripped apart. I swore I would never let anybody get that close to me again to ever break my heart, but no matter what you say or do you just can't prevent yourself from falling in love. It took me until today to honestly see a different side to things. I spent days and nights crying because I just didn't know what happened. I was left with so many thoughts running in my head and so many unanswered questions about why? What happened? I was left to fill in the gaps myself which just made it even harder for me to get over things..more difficult to realize how things were and just to move on.

Whoever said just ignoring the problem and just compeltely stop talking was seriously wrong. Ignoring a problem is never the best way to get over things let alone stop completely talking to the person you supposively have problems with. I just got out of a relationship about 3 months ago and until today I just couldn't understand the whys about it all. I was left with so many questions unanswered because she decided to just completely cut all contact off with me. All I wanted was some answers so I could move on and live my life again. Instead, I spents days blaming myself for all that went wrong and why things were the way they are now because of me. I always tend to blame myself when things end up bad because I just would rather blame myself than the other person. Until today, I would only blame myself for my latest relationship ending because I just felt like I was the one left so I must be the reason why it all didn't work out.

I have tried my hardest to fix what was broken. I spent hours writing a letter explaining my changes and just everything that has been circling in my head the last few months. For some reason, I felt like I needed to write this letter to make her see everything I have been trying to figure out and to help her realize things will be ok. I've decided not to give her this letter because I shouldn't have to explain my love for her and convince her that loving me is ok because I never once had to rethink my love for her. My love for her has never been the issue, but for her it has. Help her understand that Love will and always will be the answer and will help people get through anything no matter the problems they are faced with. I have done everything in my heart to convince her that I'm sorry and that what we have is the real deal, but today something just cameover me. I haven't had this much relief for a few months and I feel free finally.

I'm done blaming myself for everything that went wrong and why things are the way they are right now. I won't ever blame myself for a relationship ending because it takes two people to make or break a relationship. I never will regret falling in love with her because I still am and will always have love for her because I never fell so deeply in love with somebody until her. I have had a few other relationships where we werent together long enough for me to fall for the other person and those other girls I never saw myself with longer than a few months. My latest ex was totally different though and no matter how hard I tried to prevent myself for falling for her, love was always stronger than I could ever fight against. I use to blame myself for her falling for me that if I just suppressed my feelings that they would just eventually go away and her and I would have never started dating. The thing is, is that I don't blame myself anymore for her falling for me because I did nothing to make her fall in love with me, she did it herself. I never forced her or pushed her into loving me because love can not be forced into somebody, it just happens. And now it is time for her to realize that loving me is ok no matter if I am a girl because gender has nothing to do with it, you fall for the person not their gender. Loving her was the easiest thing for me, but in the end that never mattered.

I won't continue to blame myself for us falling in love because I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I would go through all of this pain and suffering just cause the good memories I had with her will always out weight the bad. I still smile and sometimes laugh when something reminds me of her or reminds me of the stupid things we use to do. I passed a fountain the other day while driving and I just started laughing because her and I would always joke about putting bubbles in a fountain, but we found out it was a felony so we decided against doing that lol. It is the things like that just reminds me that no matter what has happened that we had those good times together and those are the memories I will continue to rememeber when I think about her. I know the person she is and who i have grown to love and I will never think negatively of her or talk negatively about her ever. I have no reason to just cause we are not together doesn't mean I hate her or a need to think badly of her. It just means that what her and I had was good for that time and it just isn't our time yet. And who knows what the future will bring, but right now i'm going to focus on myself and living again.

I need to start living my life again and doing that without having the worry of somebodyelse. I've changed so much about myself recently and I only know with time that there are more great things to come for me. I am letting go of a huge part of my life to focus on being happy again and I know it wont be easy, but it has to be better than what I have been going through the last few months. I have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. Without any of them I would be in a huge hole probably not trying to dig myself out of and just probably still at the point where I was 3 months ago. It took me 3 months to let go and move on. The sadness, the emptiness, the hurt will all still be here for awhile until I find something better to take its place, but i'm not worried. I'm not worried that I'll find the happiness again that I had with her and who knows like I said what the future may bring. Time is what helps a person heal and that is all I need is time. Time for myself to grow and learn to live again. It is finally time to Let go to live again.

What If...?

God Grant Me The Serenity to Accept The Things That I Can Not Change

In the last few months I have gone through a lot of stress. I had problems with my drinking, work, family, and my relationship. Lets just face it, I've gone through a crazy rollercoaster of emotions since before college. One of my friends who has helped me out and been there for me the last couple of months introduced me to this prayer, The Serenity Prayer. It was what I honestly needed at that point in time, it is what I need and live by every single day of my life since then. This friend even though outside conflicts should or could prevent her from hanging out with me let alone talking to me, she still finds the time to be there for me no matter what I'm going through. It is the small things people do that people respect more than something huge and her introducing me to this prayer has meant more to me and has helped me more than anybody will ever know.

This friend told me when she says this prayer she only recites the first 3 lines of the prayer and that's what I started to do a few months ago. It was the point in my life where I was at my lowest point and I just felt like I was alone. I felt like I had nobody even though I had everybody that I needed to help me get past my struggles that I was going through.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change,

The courage to change the things that I can. The Wisdom to know the difference."

 But it was this prayer that had the most affect on me, it was what taught me the meaning of life. It taught me everything that i needed to change the person that I was and understand that I could change. I've lived my life not believing that no matter how hard a person works that things will always stay the same. That a person can never change the person that they are or the things in that person's life. But, what I have learned and come to the realization is that I just didn't understand the difference between the things that I can change compared to the things that I have no control over. I focused more of my time on just not accepting that no matter how bad you want something to change that not everything you want can be fixed. People can not go through life trying to change things that just can't and wont ever change. We all need to focus on the stuff we can change because that is when we start growing and actually living our lives the way we all should.

 I still am struggling with figuring out the issues in my life that I can fix compared to the ones that I'm just wasting my time hoping and praying that those will eventually change. It is a daily struggle for me and I know I have so much more to learn, but I know life will never be a walk in the park. I've accepted the recent changes that I have changed about my life and I'm proud thus far of my accomplishments. I never would have thought a few months ago that I would be sitting here today blogging about my life let alone blogging about a prayer that has changed my life, but I am. I never would have thought that I would be interested in reading the bible and getting to know God, but I am. I know I have a lot of changes ahead of me, but i'm not scared anymore on what is to come. I'm ready to take a leap of faith and just run with whatever is brought to me. I've gotten this far and right now I am learning to just focus on the stuff I can change within my life and trying to focus less on the things that I can not change. That is how i'm going to live my life now because I want to love life again and with time I truly believe I will love life fully again.

The Last Something That Meant Anything

"The Last Something That Meant Anything"

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?)
Knows all these

And I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
To write a ballad while we say the things
We'd hope would mean the most to me
And each line is sent
I have found a new pages of hope for the days
when I feel like I've lost everything

You know my heart (so tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?)
Knows all these lines (cause my jealous heart really can't take that)
So I'll sing this song for everyone that's come out lost

But, I'll be OK (Is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken
But I'll be OK (is that what you want me to say?)
It's called breakup
Cause it's broken

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say?
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[repeats]

[singing]
I'll be OK, is that what you want me to say?
Cause it's broken
And you were just about to tell me
How you meant that you were sorry
And the lines we've said that
Never meant the world to you
Broke me down
lets keep it slow
Take every note and every page that takes you longer
The cherry flavored kisses
Well I taste them
Do you miss it?

I'll be OK
Is that what you want me to say?
It's called Breakup
Cause it's broken
[x2]

Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we could never do