God Hear My Prayer

It is 2:48 in the morning and I catch my mind wondering in so many directions. My mind is just cluttered, fogged up with so many worries, emotions and thoughts from the last few days...no the last couple of months. When did life get so complicated? When did life stop being fun? I wish that I could just go back to when I was in elementary school and all the worries I had were learning to multiply and memorizing the capitals to all 50 states. Those days are far from over and when I think I closer to being worry free...Life takes another drastic turn and puts me back at square one.

It is just weird how one day you go from believing you are a changed person to quickly changing your thinking after hearing certain words from a person you hold close to your heart. I've been called manipulative, crazy, said I was hated, and told that i deserve to be treated the exact same way how I treated this person. Then I was told by the same person that I was amazing, was still in love with, and made this person so happy before. I look at everything that this person has labeled me as through the last couple of months and I'm now being treated the way I treated this person while we were together. The shoe is on the other foot as they say and it hurts like hell.

I guess, i'm at the point where I believe I deserve everything that is thrown at me right now. I'm feeling the hurt, the sadness, the emptiness, and the pain that this person felt when we were together. I have had a lot of thinking and focused on the person who I was while in this relationship and I honestly hate the person THAT I USE TO BE. Key words "USE TO BE"...not the person I am today. I dont want to continue to be reminded of the person I use to be especially from this person. Actions speak louder than words and as much as I want this person to realize that I am a better person now and forever...They never will understand or believe any of this is the truth. In my heart I know I have changed and that is all that matters. It feels amazing to hear from your close friends that they can see I have grown and I have done so much changing in just a short time. I would rather focus on the person I am today because this is the person that is staying...this is the person that will continue to change for the better. But in the end, the person I care the most to see the change and realize I have done a lot of changing has no desire to see it. The thing that hurts the most is that she will continue to have this image of me being the shitty person that I use to be instead of seeing the person I am proud of right at this moment. That's where all the hurt lies.

Dear God,

Hear my prayer. Please wash away all the sin from my body. Let all the negative thoughts wash out of my head and be put to rest. Allow me to continue to better myself in every area of my life. Make me to be a better daughter, aunt, grandaughter, sister, friend, and child of God. Help me focus on the things I can change and less on the things I have no control over. Help me to fully heal from all this misery that has taken over my thoughts and life. Also, please help me love again God. If it isn't with her than help me find that person who will love me for the person that I have grown to be not the person that I once was. Please God also help her find her way and to help her find happiness in all that she does. She deserves to be completely happy...I would rather give her up if that is what it will take to have her find complete happiness. Please help me with all of this God....Help me to heal and to be strong for once. I love you God...I'm confessessing all I need help with Please God Hear My Prayers.

Amen