God Gave Me You

It has been a long while since the last time I posted on here. I've written but for some reason haven't posted my last couple or haven't finished them up. But, here I am on another one of my extremely, fun-filled overnights ready to open up about what the last few months have taught me and what I have learned from the time away. Time away meaning from writing, from getting my life back to normalcy. Back to what I call a life of forgiving, learning, and apologizing. The life with God by my side.

This last week I had the oppurtunity to sit in on a great sermon at "Celebrate." Life is not meant to be a walk in the park and nobody has ever told me anything different. Everybody goes through tough times and sometimes you just feel like it just is time to give up because it is just one bad thing after the other, but nothing is too difficult to get passed when you have God in your life. This service our pastor talked about his wife cheating on him and how no matter what happened to his marriage that if he had God by his side nothingelse mattered. His life and family was built around the love of God and by having God as his savior that nothing not even his wife cheating on him could ruin his marriage if they both worked on saving it. Our pastor stated that everybody has a life of hardship, but nothing is too big for God to tackle and I mean nothing at all.

During this service and especially during the prayer, I couldn't help but tear up. These tears were good, but also disspointing tears. One great point that the pastor asked us was "if being a christian was illegal how strong of a christian would you be if you were convicted during a trial?" This question made me honestly think a lot about the person I use to be and the person I have become.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago, I'm no where close to being the person I use to be 365 days ago. I was self distructive and honestly didn't known how to be happy even if I had everything that i needed right infront of me. It took people walking out on me to finally make me realize this person is not who I wanted to be...it sure as heck wasn't the person I wanted people to get to know. I found out that I couldn't be happy with the people in my life if I wasn't happy with myself first. So, I've done a lot of soul searching and finally realized what type of person would make me proud...what type of person would make me happy to be known as. I believe I have come to the point of figuring myself out and I'm loving the person that i'm becoming.

I've become a more independent person and it feels amazing. I don't rely much on people anymore, don't get me wrong I have a huge support system in my life but when I absolutely need them they are all their for me. I just love my alone time more than ever recently and I've never been a person of  needing time to myself, but it gives me time to focus on me and not having to worry about the outside world for a split second. I've had time to sit down and read a book which I haven't had time to do or wanted to do for such a long time. My taste in music has changed somewhat and  I have found my love for country music, not sure if it was my roommate and bestfriends converting me but either way I love me some country music. I'm hoping to go to WE Fest in August, but those plans are still up in the air, but I hope to see two of my favorite country singers perform (Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan.) I just am excited for summer and whatever trips I may go on I know Ill make the best of wherever I end up going.

I'm planning a trip out to missouri this summer to visit somebody very special in my life. It never was suppose to lead to anything, but we all know that is easier said then done. They came into my life at the best time, last summer when I honestly was losing myself and at the same time losing such an important person in my life. It was suppose to be a few fun nights and friends we will continue being, but almost a year later and my heart seems to be telling me something completely different. I'm not going to lie, I'm affraid to give somebody apart of my heart again but how can one hoenstly prevent that from happening? I'm affraid to fall that is very apparent and it took me almost a year to tell another person "I LOve YOU." Those three words took me over a year to say and in 27 years of my life I've told two people I was in love with them and both times my heart never failed me once. I'm in love  and I've fallen again, but this time I know what I need to do to keep my heart safe. I've grown and I'm finally happy with myself and the difference between this time is I now know how to be happy in a relationship, but at the same time I can continue being happy outside of one. I'm not saying this will be forever because nobody can honestly know that for sure, but all I know is they make me a better person and I haven't been this happy in awhile. I honestly believe god gave me her at the right moment possible.

Sometimes We Fall, But We Get Back Up and Live Again

I haven't written in awhile mainly because I haven't had the time to sit down and just write until now. Also, I feel more of a need to write when things have happened in my life where I need to vent or just talk about  no matter the topic. Right now, there has been a lot going on that I feel like I should share. Some good and some bad, so here it is...

Lets start off with saying how much I appreciate and love my family and friends. Since this summer, I have obtained a good, stable foundation of close friends that have been there for me through some of my roughest moments when i needed somebody to lean on. A couple of people in mind, have been there  no matter what state I have been in or how far away they may be. They are right there when i need them the most and I thank them for that. One person in particular, her and I have been through so much in the last couple of years even to the point we lost touch for a few months, but found ourselves right back to where we left off. Things happen for reasons, even if those reasons are never known but in the end it just matters we are back in eachothers lives. She has been there for the fun times, my most drunken moments, and when I thought I couldn't make it through. I made it through just like she kept telling me and I'm happier today because she never gave up on me. She is kind of a hardass, wouldn't give up on me but without her I wouldn't be where I am today and I love you for that so thank you.

This other person has become like a brother to me. It is really weird how things turn out. Him and I both have had the conversation about how funny it is that we really never thought we would end up being friends let alone bestfriends lol. It was a pretty shitty situation how we ended up talking, but I honestly wouldn't change anything. He has been there for me from day one even when we barely knew eachother we both just found it so easy to open up to eachother. I was hesitant to open up because I lost my trust in anybody that I knew, but the only way you get passed it all is by taking the bull by the horns and just letting that fear go. I'm not saying I don't have trust issues anymore because I still do, but I see every day myself getting better and letting my guard down with people. That's what you ahve to do because fear will just hold a person back and I'm continuing to move forward day by day nothing will stop me from doing that.

Anyways, this person has spent countless nights just sitting up talking to me. Yes, most of these have been drunken nights but he always knows the right things to say and now I need to be there for him. This last week has been pretty rough mostly because what he is going through has brought flashbacks of the emotional rollercoaster I was in months ago. I know completely what he is going through right now to the periods of thinking you can't make it through without them to thinking being in a drunken binge will be the only thing that will possibly take the pain away. Well, as much as I thought drinking was a good idea it lasted for a bit helping to numb the pain but in the morning things were never better and to top it pff now you have a hangover. You know what got me through was my family, friends, myself, and time. I can go and tell him everything he told me months ago, but honestly it takes time to get better. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I don't know how many times I heard this, but it didn't mean anything until the day I woke up and knew everything was going to be ok. The day I decided I couldn't cry anymore, the day I told myself I wasn't going to be unhappy anymore, the day I decided to live again.

The advice I can give to him is to occupy your time spending time with your family and friends. To reconnect with old friends you lost touch with, fix the relationships that you may have lost, and to build new friendships. Spend time with your family because your family always knows how to make you smile. I know my family has and always will be a huge support system for me, I love them to the moon and back. Go out and enjoy yourself, but don't resort to drinking as an everyday fun activity because we all know that it isn't the best choice especially at this vulnerable state of mind. As hard as it may think life won't ever get better, it does and will. I promise on our friendship that life will get better and you will find happiness again. If you haven't already find your faith take up reading the bible, going to church, and praying. One huge improvement in my life is my reconnecting with God he is one person I never lost my trust in and with time everything will be better.

I love you guys, without you all I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank you all <3

Cold As Stone

This is Starting To Feel Like Home

I haven't written in I think about a month or so because I have been pretty busy and just focusing on myself lately. Since, the last time I posted I have done a complete 180 in my overall attitude. I am at a completely different place emotionally and just overall in a better state of mind. It honestly is hard to explain what I have been going through the last 5 months. Nobody except myself can completely understand what I have been through emotionally, physically, and mentally these last few months. A few months ago, I would have told everybody that if I could go back and change things that I would, but right now I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I had to go through everything that I had to because it has turned me into a much stronger person and I have learned a lot about myself. I have discovered a lot about myself I needed to fix because how I did things wasn't ok, but I also was introduced to some very good qualities about myself that I never thought I ever had.

Lately, I have been meeting a lot of new people and going out just to socialize. This doesn't mean I'm going out and getting drunk like some people might think, but I have been going out and having a fun time. I'm less stressed and in a lot better mood this last month. I never thought I could ever get back to this point of still caring, but just letting things go because it is for the best. The moment I let go was the moment I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I spent too many months focusing on another person rather than my happiness. I lost sight on what it meant to be happy with who I am and didn't know how to continue without this other person, but I'm slowly getting there. Please don't misinterpret what I mean by what I just said. I let go of the pain and sadness that was consuming my life, but never once have I stopped caring for that person or gave up. I'm just letting go and moving on for now to make things better for my life and to do what I should have done 6 months ago and that is respecting the whole space thing.

I have so much respect for this person and what I was doing wasn't showing any respect at all. It appeared that I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted not that they just needed time. How could I have been so stupid and disrespected the one person I care about the most? Love makes you do stupid things you would never do ever and my feelings got into the way of what was actually the right thing to do. I'm moving on from what I use to be to finally be the person that I am now. I'm moving on from what has happened in the past and just living in the now. I'm moving on so I can be whole again and keep moving forward because that is the only option. I'm done taking steps back. It is finally time to pick myself off, dust myself off and to love the life that I am so blessed with.

I could keep sulking in what has happened and keep telling myself that things should have gone better, but things happen for reasons even though it takes time to finally figure out why. Time is on our side and without what has happened I would have never figured out I needed to change. I'm so thankful for everything and everybody in my life right now. We lose certain people in our lives to make us grow and to be thankful for the people who are in our lives at that moment. Life goes on we get hurt, but we find away to get through the pain. It is time to take the pain that has overcome me the last 6 months and move on from it. I'm ready to move on from my life then to focus and finally live my life that is happening right this minute. Moving forward is the only option. I'm not sure how things will end up or who I'll find happiness with again. All I know is I can finally say I'll be ok and I'll be ok without them.

The Outsider Looking In

A person honestly can not see what is truly going on until they are looking at it from the outside. You never can clearly identify the areas that are not working, that need to be fixed until you are sometimes forced too. I've been blessed (I feel like it was a blessing) to be forced to tear apart the last few years of my life to realize the person that I was becoming and how I was treating the ones I loved. It took me some time, but I have gotten to the point I'm fixing the areas in my life to better myself and just better everything in general.

I have discovered in these last few months that I was controlling in certain areas of my relationship. In my previous relationship, I felt like I was protecting them from certain things but in reality I was controlling them from figuring out life on their own. I didn't see how controlling I was until I was on the outside of the relationship looking in. It was not ok. I was selfish in my ways and that is never ok especially in terms of a relationship. We both loved spending time together, but no time apart is never the right answer. Having no space apart ruined the amount of good times we had because we never had time apart. We never had our alone time, our own time to breath. I got caught up in the relationship and I forgot I had a life outside of it. You identify the things that you did wrong and you fix them and that is what I've been focusing on fixing what I was so stupid to let happen.

It got to the point I started focusing majority of  my time on myself and I neglected the feelings of the other person. Don't take that the wrong way, I never stopped caring about the other persons feelings ever but I was focusing more on what I was struggling with than of the other persons issues. I tried to be there as much as I could, but I just wasn't strong at that point to help when I couldn't handle things I was going through. It is the honest truth that you can't help anybodyelse until you are ok yourself. And a huge part of it was I never felt good enough to be with this person or anybody for that matter.

 I'm on the path of fixing and bettering things for myself, I'm becoming stronger and healthier for myself to one day allow that other person to lean on me for support when needed. It comes with time and the strength is within ourselves, it always has been. It just takes times, faith in god, and self strength to honestly find your true self and until that you do that you can't be 100% happy in a relationship. I'm unrevealing on a daily basis, the things that I did wrong, the hurt I caused, and the controlling side to me in my past to help fix myself to make damn sure it never happens again. It is taking time, but I feel like I'm on the right path to a better me and it feels amazing for the first time.

Right now, I am at a higher level of confidence. My need to control things in my life honestly is out the window. Each day is going to happen like it is suppose to because honestly only God knows the path of your life. Tomorrow is a new day and right now I'm focusing on myself then next step is to show the ones I love that I have changed. Actions speak louder than words as they say. We are just the passengers on this rollercoaster of life. You take one day at a time and everything should fall into place the way it is suppose to. Space and time is a difficult thing, but a few months is nothing when you have a lifetime right?

Your Guardian Angel

Happiness is Within My Grasp

Well, it has been a couple days since I have last posted and so much has happened since the last time we have talked. This weekend was Gay Pride in Minneapolis and this has been my second pride that I had the privilage to experience, but nothing compared to this years Pride. The whole idea about going to Pride this year came from my oldest cousin Jamie who has been with his husband for going on 22 years. One night after some drinking, I came home and chatted online with my cousin because I was just having a rough night. He has always been one person that I know no matter what I am going through he is always there to listen and to give advice where necessary. That night, I just needed my cousin to give me any advice "words of wisdom" he could throw at me. I was full of so many emotions I had no idea how to understand what I was going through or how to help myself. He told me his advice on what to do and how to handle them and throughout our conversation he thought it was a great idea to go visit him during Pride weekend and I was quick to say yes.

This trip was definatly going to be an interesting one because I was road tripping with one of my close friends, my little sister, and one of my exs (who no matter where we were we just never got a long.) I needed a roadtrip to forget about things, to have a great time, and just live my life to the fullest. It was my weekend to say "Fuck it" and just let things happen as they are suppose to with no regrets. It was a weekend that I needed to make myself believe that I am good enough and will always be enough for somebody, someday.

The image I had in my head of what Pride in the cities would be like did not compare to how Pride in the cities turned out to be. My expectations were met and very quickly exceeded during my trip. First night, we ended up going to this Gay block party which had amazing music and great company. It was the first time that it was announced that Gay marriage in New York is now legal :) One step closer to equality and that's how it should be. I honestly can't explain the feeling that overcame my body when I heard one more state legalized gay marriage and it was that much better being around so many people knowing what I was going through. I just hadn't felt that proud and like I fit in for along time until this weekend. I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time.

My cousin wanted us all to have a great Gay pride experience so he took us to a few gay bars aroudn downtown. Saturday, we all ended up going to three bars: The Saloon, Gay 90s, and Epic (my favorite of the weekend.) Epic was having a girls night on Saturday and all I can say is I have never seen so many Lesbians in my life until that night. I honestly did not expect to meet anybody while I was in the cities, but God had a different plan haha. She has to be one of the nicest, prettiest, most amazing girls I have talked to in awhile besides a couple others. Our conversations just came natural and I was just realy enjoying her company. I'll spare you guys some details, but lets just say I got a number and recieved a text the next night :)

The parade was this mornign around 1100 am and I just hadn't been this happy in a few months. My happiness has been honestly holding me back from being me and staying true to myself. I have been allowing others from preventing me from happiness and I'm through with it all. Sometimes you need to be selfish and think about yourself instead of how it will effect others. I'm not saying I was perfect in the past, I'm far from being any where near perfection. It just comes to a point that I am not allowing this to go on any longer.

I was letting others effect me to the point where I was losing truly who I am. I started hating the person who I was even rethinking my sexuality again. Don't take that the wrong way, not meaning I thought I was straight because I'm far from straight. It was more I was caring less and less who I would hook up with because it didn't matter anymore. Pride was an eye opener for me and allowed me to look at why I have been doing and realizing there is something better out there for me and a world that I am good enough. I was around so many people who are hated on a daily basis because of the ones we love, but I never felt hated once this weekend because I am attracted to women. Is it weird that I felt so much closer and more love this weekend around a shit ton of gay strangers then I have felt with some people I have known for years?

My weekend was drama free, stress free, and I never once felt unhappy. I have found myself once again and I never want to lose myself ever again. I never want to feel like I need to rethink who I am or question the ones that I love. It is amazing when you talk to a person a whole night that you just met and right away question your actions that you have done in the last few months. It took one night talking to an amazing girl who I don't know I will ever see again to make me realize I am enough and always will be. This weekend was the last shove in the right direction. I'm done feeling sorry...done trying to figure things out that arent meant to be figured out...done feeling like I'm in the wrong...done just over and done with it all. You can't fully love somebody until you can fully love yourself and I'm finally getting to that point. I have a long road ahead of me, but with time I'll be ok. Time heals all and I am slowly becoming ready to break down my walls again to allow myself to fall. Happiness is within my grasp all I have to do is allow myself to take the risk to go out and grab it. <3