Cold As Stone

This is Starting To Feel Like Home

I haven't written in I think about a month or so because I have been pretty busy and just focusing on myself lately. Since, the last time I posted I have done a complete 180 in my overall attitude. I am at a completely different place emotionally and just overall in a better state of mind. It honestly is hard to explain what I have been going through the last 5 months. Nobody except myself can completely understand what I have been through emotionally, physically, and mentally these last few months. A few months ago, I would have told everybody that if I could go back and change things that I would, but right now I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I had to go through everything that I had to because it has turned me into a much stronger person and I have learned a lot about myself. I have discovered a lot about myself I needed to fix because how I did things wasn't ok, but I also was introduced to some very good qualities about myself that I never thought I ever had.

Lately, I have been meeting a lot of new people and going out just to socialize. This doesn't mean I'm going out and getting drunk like some people might think, but I have been going out and having a fun time. I'm less stressed and in a lot better mood this last month. I never thought I could ever get back to this point of still caring, but just letting things go because it is for the best. The moment I let go was the moment I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I spent too many months focusing on another person rather than my happiness. I lost sight on what it meant to be happy with who I am and didn't know how to continue without this other person, but I'm slowly getting there. Please don't misinterpret what I mean by what I just said. I let go of the pain and sadness that was consuming my life, but never once have I stopped caring for that person or gave up. I'm just letting go and moving on for now to make things better for my life and to do what I should have done 6 months ago and that is respecting the whole space thing.

I have so much respect for this person and what I was doing wasn't showing any respect at all. It appeared that I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted not that they just needed time. How could I have been so stupid and disrespected the one person I care about the most? Love makes you do stupid things you would never do ever and my feelings got into the way of what was actually the right thing to do. I'm moving on from what I use to be to finally be the person that I am now. I'm moving on from what has happened in the past and just living in the now. I'm moving on so I can be whole again and keep moving forward because that is the only option. I'm done taking steps back. It is finally time to pick myself off, dust myself off and to love the life that I am so blessed with.

I could keep sulking in what has happened and keep telling myself that things should have gone better, but things happen for reasons even though it takes time to finally figure out why. Time is on our side and without what has happened I would have never figured out I needed to change. I'm so thankful for everything and everybody in my life right now. We lose certain people in our lives to make us grow and to be thankful for the people who are in our lives at that moment. Life goes on we get hurt, but we find away to get through the pain. It is time to take the pain that has overcome me the last 6 months and move on from it. I'm ready to move on from my life then to focus and finally live my life that is happening right this minute. Moving forward is the only option. I'm not sure how things will end up or who I'll find happiness with again. All I know is I can finally say I'll be ok and I'll be ok without them.

The Outsider Looking In

A person honestly can not see what is truly going on until they are looking at it from the outside. You never can clearly identify the areas that are not working, that need to be fixed until you are sometimes forced too. I've been blessed (I feel like it was a blessing) to be forced to tear apart the last few years of my life to realize the person that I was becoming and how I was treating the ones I loved. It took me some time, but I have gotten to the point I'm fixing the areas in my life to better myself and just better everything in general.

I have discovered in these last few months that I was controlling in certain areas of my relationship. In my previous relationship, I felt like I was protecting them from certain things but in reality I was controlling them from figuring out life on their own. I didn't see how controlling I was until I was on the outside of the relationship looking in. It was not ok. I was selfish in my ways and that is never ok especially in terms of a relationship. We both loved spending time together, but no time apart is never the right answer. Having no space apart ruined the amount of good times we had because we never had time apart. We never had our alone time, our own time to breath. I got caught up in the relationship and I forgot I had a life outside of it. You identify the things that you did wrong and you fix them and that is what I've been focusing on fixing what I was so stupid to let happen.

It got to the point I started focusing majority of  my time on myself and I neglected the feelings of the other person. Don't take that the wrong way, I never stopped caring about the other persons feelings ever but I was focusing more on what I was struggling with than of the other persons issues. I tried to be there as much as I could, but I just wasn't strong at that point to help when I couldn't handle things I was going through. It is the honest truth that you can't help anybodyelse until you are ok yourself. And a huge part of it was I never felt good enough to be with this person or anybody for that matter.

 I'm on the path of fixing and bettering things for myself, I'm becoming stronger and healthier for myself to one day allow that other person to lean on me for support when needed. It comes with time and the strength is within ourselves, it always has been. It just takes times, faith in god, and self strength to honestly find your true self and until that you do that you can't be 100% happy in a relationship. I'm unrevealing on a daily basis, the things that I did wrong, the hurt I caused, and the controlling side to me in my past to help fix myself to make damn sure it never happens again. It is taking time, but I feel like I'm on the right path to a better me and it feels amazing for the first time.

Right now, I am at a higher level of confidence. My need to control things in my life honestly is out the window. Each day is going to happen like it is suppose to because honestly only God knows the path of your life. Tomorrow is a new day and right now I'm focusing on myself then next step is to show the ones I love that I have changed. Actions speak louder than words as they say. We are just the passengers on this rollercoaster of life. You take one day at a time and everything should fall into place the way it is suppose to. Space and time is a difficult thing, but a few months is nothing when you have a lifetime right?

Your Guardian Angel

Happiness is Within My Grasp

Well, it has been a couple days since I have last posted and so much has happened since the last time we have talked. This weekend was Gay Pride in Minneapolis and this has been my second pride that I had the privilage to experience, but nothing compared to this years Pride. The whole idea about going to Pride this year came from my oldest cousin Jamie who has been with his husband for going on 22 years. One night after some drinking, I came home and chatted online with my cousin because I was just having a rough night. He has always been one person that I know no matter what I am going through he is always there to listen and to give advice where necessary. That night, I just needed my cousin to give me any advice "words of wisdom" he could throw at me. I was full of so many emotions I had no idea how to understand what I was going through or how to help myself. He told me his advice on what to do and how to handle them and throughout our conversation he thought it was a great idea to go visit him during Pride weekend and I was quick to say yes.

This trip was definatly going to be an interesting one because I was road tripping with one of my close friends, my little sister, and one of my exs (who no matter where we were we just never got a long.) I needed a roadtrip to forget about things, to have a great time, and just live my life to the fullest. It was my weekend to say "Fuck it" and just let things happen as they are suppose to with no regrets. It was a weekend that I needed to make myself believe that I am good enough and will always be enough for somebody, someday.

The image I had in my head of what Pride in the cities would be like did not compare to how Pride in the cities turned out to be. My expectations were met and very quickly exceeded during my trip. First night, we ended up going to this Gay block party which had amazing music and great company. It was the first time that it was announced that Gay marriage in New York is now legal :) One step closer to equality and that's how it should be. I honestly can't explain the feeling that overcame my body when I heard one more state legalized gay marriage and it was that much better being around so many people knowing what I was going through. I just hadn't felt that proud and like I fit in for along time until this weekend. I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time.

My cousin wanted us all to have a great Gay pride experience so he took us to a few gay bars aroudn downtown. Saturday, we all ended up going to three bars: The Saloon, Gay 90s, and Epic (my favorite of the weekend.) Epic was having a girls night on Saturday and all I can say is I have never seen so many Lesbians in my life until that night. I honestly did not expect to meet anybody while I was in the cities, but God had a different plan haha. She has to be one of the nicest, prettiest, most amazing girls I have talked to in awhile besides a couple others. Our conversations just came natural and I was just realy enjoying her company. I'll spare you guys some details, but lets just say I got a number and recieved a text the next night :)

The parade was this mornign around 1100 am and I just hadn't been this happy in a few months. My happiness has been honestly holding me back from being me and staying true to myself. I have been allowing others from preventing me from happiness and I'm through with it all. Sometimes you need to be selfish and think about yourself instead of how it will effect others. I'm not saying I was perfect in the past, I'm far from being any where near perfection. It just comes to a point that I am not allowing this to go on any longer.

I was letting others effect me to the point where I was losing truly who I am. I started hating the person who I was even rethinking my sexuality again. Don't take that the wrong way, not meaning I thought I was straight because I'm far from straight. It was more I was caring less and less who I would hook up with because it didn't matter anymore. Pride was an eye opener for me and allowed me to look at why I have been doing and realizing there is something better out there for me and a world that I am good enough. I was around so many people who are hated on a daily basis because of the ones we love, but I never felt hated once this weekend because I am attracted to women. Is it weird that I felt so much closer and more love this weekend around a shit ton of gay strangers then I have felt with some people I have known for years?

My weekend was drama free, stress free, and I never once felt unhappy. I have found myself once again and I never want to lose myself ever again. I never want to feel like I need to rethink who I am or question the ones that I love. It is amazing when you talk to a person a whole night that you just met and right away question your actions that you have done in the last few months. It took one night talking to an amazing girl who I don't know I will ever see again to make me realize I am enough and always will be. This weekend was the last shove in the right direction. I'm done feeling sorry...done trying to figure things out that arent meant to be figured out...done feeling like I'm in the wrong...done just over and done with it all. You can't fully love somebody until you can fully love yourself and I'm finally getting to that point. I have a long road ahead of me, but with time I'll be ok. Time heals all and I am slowly becoming ready to break down my walls again to allow myself to fall. Happiness is within my grasp all I have to do is allow myself to take the risk to go out and grab it. <3

Not Minding What Happens

Alright, so I'm reading this book called "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." I got this book when I was doing my nursing internship in Boise, Idaho. I had a few days alone in Boise before my roommates got there, so I decided that it was best to get a book but never actually sat down to read it until now. I'm not much of a reader, but have found a lot of interest in reading lately just trying something new.

The author of this book name is Eckhart Tolle and through this book he tries to illuminate and uplift a better way of life and a better world through his writing through spiritual guidance. I won't lie, majority of the book I had to read the pages a few times to completely understand what he was trying to get across. It wasn't the easiest read and I found myself skipping pages to get to chapters that I found interesting to me. The book talks a lot about your innerself, your ego and how to cope with certain things that you come  across in your lifetime to avoid the dysfunctional side of life.

I found a section of the book to be very interesting and very helpful for myself. The chapter is called "Not Minding What Happens." It talks about an Indian philospher named J. Krishnamutri who travels and teachs all around the world. The section goes on to talking about a secret he reveals to his audience at one of his lectures about what has helped him get through life and it was 5 of the simplest words that he spoke. "I DON'T MIND WHAT HAPPENS."

Honestly, I did not understand why these words were so powerful and meaningful until I let them soak in. My best time to think is at night when I'm alone, so working an overnight tonight allowed me to have time to just try to comprehend these words. By allowing yourself to not mind what happens throughout your life because we have no control over what will happen allows us to be more align with what happens internally. We are in reality are our worst enemies and nobodyelse. We allow ourselves to believe what happens is either good or bad. It is us who makes ourselves hold on to things instead of letting things be. By not minding what happens we are not considering anything that happens today, tomorrow, or even years from now as good or bad but as just how things are meant to be. LETTING THINGS BE.

Who is to say what is defined as good or bad? Things are meant to happen the way they should and nobody can stop what is meant to be. I've had unhappy moments in my life, but that is becasue I allowed myself to dwell too much on it and I defined those situations as being unhappy. But, in the end something great came out of each situation and it all ended up working out. I've spent too many days being unhappy because i've just allowed myself to be unhappy when I should have just let thigns be and moved on. It is weird how much you learn through a few pages of reading :) My new thing i'm going to live by...NOT MINDING WHAT HAPPENS and I already can tell a change in my mood. I'm learning one day at a time and this is beginning to feel right.

Inspiration in My Sky

In my 26 years of life, I have learned so much from people that have entered my life. Not all experiences are good, but you learn from both good and bad. You continually grow and learn from the people and the experiences that you encounter throughout your life. The people you meet during your life have so much impact on your life, well mine anyways. I just never would have thought the ones who have the greatest impact on my life have been so much younger than I. But age doesn't really matter to be completely honest. One person who has taught me so much thus far in her 5 years of life has been my niece Cara.

Cara is my 5 year old niece who has been through more in her 5 years of life than a lot of people. She is one of the smartest, most determined, funniest little girls I have the pleasure of having in my life. She was born 5 weeks early, but none of us cared how early she was we were just really excited to finally have her here. Nobody worried about any complications, she was a healthy 5 pound and something baby girl. It was when they did her hearing test that changed all of our lives with the information we obtained from the doctor. The doctor stated "she failed her hearing test." The doctor told us there could be a few reasons for this that we shouldn't be worked up about the results just yet. Cara could have failed her test because she might have had fluid built up in her ear not allowing her to hear, but could clear up in a few days so the doctor advised we wait for a few days just to make sure. The next few days were pretty much a waiting game for my family.

I went to visit Cara in the NICU beause she was so early she had to be in the intensive care unit and only two visitors were allowed in there at a time. It was right away when I noticed that she was different than the other babies in the NICU. While the other babies cried and could be calmed down by the voice of their parents, Cara was so silent not being stardled by any noise that swept through the NICU. She looked so peaceful and that for some reason scared me.

 I remember being woken up by my mom in the morning and my mom telling me they did another hearing test and that Cara was deaf. She cried and I started crying shortly after hearing the news. My initial thought about her being deaf was she wouldn't beable to do certain things a hearing child will beable to do. That the three words I was wanting to hear someday would possibly never be said "I Love You." I felt sorry for her and was scared for what she would have  face throughout her life. I was sad for my sister because this wasn't how her first pregnancy was suppose to go. I just was overwhelmed with emotions, but I knew that Cara was a strong little one that she could and would overcome every obstacle in her life and this was just one she had to tackle.

It was age the age of 9 months, if i have the timing right when she recieved her first cochlear implant. Nobody in my family had ever heard of a cochlear implant, but I remember the first time I saw a youtube video of this 6 year old girl that recieved these when she was around 9 months old. I just remember watching this video and my eyes began to water because I saw so much hope for my nieces future. At the age of 5, she has been put through 4 surgeries so far but hears at the same decibils as a person that was born hearing. :) You can tell little by her speech that she has difficulty hearing and with certain words, but she is our miracle baby.

She is about to have another surgery to fix a broken implant come this August which I wish she wouldn't have to be put through, but she is such a strong person that she will be ok. Cara has inspired so many people she has been incontact with and I just know she will be an inspiration too many more people through out her life. I've been nothing but proud of Cara since she has been born. She makes me want to be a better person and inspires me to do certain things in my life I thought I could never do. With this next surgery, I honestly feel less worried like I have with the last ones because I know it is all in Gods hands and that is how I know she will be safe. She is my miracle angel...she is the inspiration in my sky. I love you Cara Marie so very much <3